Hezo Kittie

You Live And/Or You Learn

To learn is to live. This includes, but is not limited to, the formal education system.

What I learned today: I learned that I'm learning without even noticing or remembering that I'm learning. Maybe memory isn't necessarily tied to knowledge, if it becomes second nature or automatic or simply 'true'.

Last night, Joanne and some peers from Campus Events put up sign boards around the school for SERVE, which is a coalition consisting of Campus Events Commission, Student Welfare Commission, and Community Service Commission. It was basically created because one of the political parties at UCLA is planning on severely cutting back these three commissions in order to expand their own agendas, should they win this week's USAC elections.

Joanne encouraged everyone who was available to come and help out. I didn't, and I didn't have any good reason not to either (not that it matters, obviously). Ed: I mean, not that it matters what my 'reason' for not going is

Hannah called me today and said, "Joanne is pissed at us." (Hannah did not help out with the sign boards as well.) I replied, "Ah shit... well, that's understandable." Fuck, I knew she wanted help and yet I've nothing to say but that I was twiddling my thumbs in my own little bubble, not really caring or thinking about other people.

So Hannah said, "Well this sucks, the reason I didn't go was because Grant and I got into a fight and Joanne sent out a mass text so I just assumed that other people were going to go and help out and I just wanted to go party because I've been sick for the past three weeks and I'm finally better and just had a shitty day etc.

"I should apologize. Maybe I'll send her an e-mail like 'I'm sorry about last night, but etc."

I told her that there was something off about her apology. And it comes down again to excuses, disclaimers, whatever. Imagine feeling slighted by your friends, and subsequently feeling hurt. Then you tell them that you're hurt, and they say, "I'm sorry! This and that happened and then all this other stuff and I was swamped etc," would that really help? There's not really a point to that apology, because we have reasons for doing and not doing anything, even if that reason might be something stupid like bored/lazy/careless.

What kind of message are we really getting across by giving our legitimate (or at least in our own minds, legitimized) reasons for acting wrongly? "I'm sorry, actually I'm not that sorry because I just don't want you to be mad at me and I actually don't really care about you that much and things that are important to you."

It's not really that blunt or explicit but one can get the general gist.

I think I read somewhere that a sincere apology has three pieces to it. I think it was a sports article by Peter King. Anyway, I'll just try pulling it out of my ass:

1.) "I'm sorry." Acknowledge her emotional state, try to sympathize and understand that she's bummed about the situation. She is angry and sad, so something is wrong.
2.) "I should have been out there with you." Admit fault. Apparently in ApologyLand, right and wrong do exist, where 'right == being out there with her' and 'wrong == not being out there with her'. If the consequences of 'right' are having a helping hand and showing acts of friendship, and 'wrong' consists of one person working extra hard and feeling bummed, then utilitarianism is appropriate here. Way to go J.S. Mill you get a cookie.
3.) "I'll definitely be out there next time." Making something positive out of the dilemma? Learning from our mistakes? I mean, the whole point of an apology is because we're trying to reduce the amount of bad things and increase the amount of good things done, so if you think you're going to act the same or not even make a conscious effort to prevent this same situation from happening again, might as well not apologize.

And once again, it truly comes down to the meaning of friendship and what a meaningful relationship is. It's not just having the same goals or passions or hobbies, but that if you care about someone as a person then you care about everything in their life and not just what directly affects you, especially that which they hold most important.

Joanne was hurt because she had expectations from us as both colleagues and friends, and actions always speak louder than words. By not caring about what is important to her, I'm also saying that I don't care about her that much either. I believe this is true because if it wasn't then she wouldn't be particularly mad.

I should've put my time in, but I didn't. So it goes.

Summary (a.k.a why I learned I learned something without realizing that I learned something):
1.) I didn't know any of this when I was a senior in high school
2.) I still have a fucking ridiculous amount of learning to do, that I'll never perfect being able to be a giving and loving person, but at least I can try (because I can see firsthand how its better)
3.) If you can't ever know everything, then what's the point in learning? What a conundrum.
4.) "The more I know, the more I know I don't know shit." - stupid vagin ogawa, plus its his 21st birthday fucking fagbot
8.) k bye (fucking fagbot)

"Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge." -- Mark Twain