Hezo Kittie

Stog Break Revelations

I remember what it was now. I have a hard time perservering [Ed: Firefox tells me this is spelled incorrectly] through difficulties. (Captain Obvious self-evident thought of the day). The main thing that gets me through it is knowing that what I'm doing is RIGHT, even if it's hard. Sometimes I just want to give up on something if it's hard because I question whether I should be doing it in the first place.

The only two things that I've found to be RIGHT in my life are my relationships with Hannah and Kela. And thus we approach yet another paradox; these are simultaneously the most difficult relationships and the easiest to keep. Difficult because they are the most consistent source of dispute, and unbelievably easy because they're the only ones I will never give up on. I never feel sure about what I'm doing at any given moment, but I feel comfortably committed to these two people.

The feeling that something is RIGHT transcends easy or hard or sad or fun or happy. I say this NOT because I THINK what's right SHOULD transcend everything else but because (in my heart) it just DOES. I didn't choose it; it's a natural hierarchy.

This is starting to get confusing. I hope I can understand it in the future. Last two thoughts:

I suck at being supportive.

I've gotten better at this but I still always say things at the wrong time and get frustrated easier than I should. I am naturally uncompassionate. Doesn't mean I am going to accept it. Being a supportive friend is a lifelong learning process. I guess everything is, but this is especially relevant in my life right now.

Nevertheless, I am not a necessary source of support.

This can actually be explained logically. If I was a necessary source of support for anything, then the system will eventually break down because I am human and by (my, or maybe God's) definition fallible. That means that I'm never and cannot be perfectly reliable. Doesn't let me off the hook. This kind of sounds like an excuse/justification to fuck up. Hrm.

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