Hezo Kittie

Kidz in the Hall

In the chapter on children, Pinker drops a lot of modern research that shows that parents don't really mold their children as much as they like to think they do.

This is an epic statistic since I've always assumed and thought it was objective that parenting tactics played a crucial role in childhood development. In fact, it is only one small piece of the puzzle that includes school environment and peer groups and the hundreds of other relations that children make. Parents are obviously in the circle of most important relationships, which also include comrades of other sort (best friends, teachers and/or spiritual leaders, significant others), but the idea that they are the king and queen supreme, the primary sculptors, is, according to Pinker, a myth.

This new research quickly brings up instinctual fears that are beautifully quelled by Pinker. One could easily cry, "OMGZ IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT I DO, HE'LL JUST BE HOW HE IS? HE MIGHT BE A KLEPTOMANIAC AND TIMID AND SHORT TEMPERED AND ITS NOT MY FAULT BECAUSE THERES NOTHING I COULD DO? Fine then, I excuse myself of all the hard parenting stuff, like being patient or leaving my spa date early to pick him up from preschool because a bully just kicked his ass. In fact, if I really wanted to I could beat him and it wouldn't matter."

Check it: pluck the parent and child from this dynamic and drop in two close friends. Same scenario: one friend can't change the core foundations of the other friend just as much as the parent can't change a short-tempered child to be that tranquil, lifeless kid next door. Does that mean that that friend gets the right to lie and break promises and beat the shit out of the other kid? Many people react very defensively when seemingly objective truths turn out to be myths when it really isn't as scary as intially perceived. It is puzzling when I hear news stories from Bible Belt regions that proclaim that the knowledge of evolution is the downfall of our species, as if our distant relationship with primates has anything to do with how best to treat people. If Jesus was, in fact, just some nappy-headed Joe, and his human shortcomings weren't known simply because his followers didn't want to write them down, then is the honest and compassionate way in which he interacted with his colleagues and enemies any less honest and compassionate?

I should let Pinker do the talking, as I am far less articulate than he:

"Second, a parent and a child have a human relationship. No one ever asks, 'So you're saying it doesn't matter how I treat my husband or wife?' even though no one but a newlywed believes that one can change the personality of one's spouse. Husbands and wives are nice to each other (or should be) not to pound the other's personality into a desired shape but to build a deep and satisfying relationship. Imagine being told that one cannot revamp the personality of a husband or wife and replying, 'The thought that all this love I'm pouring into him (or her) counts for nothing is too terrible to contemplate.' So it is with parents and children: one person's behavior toward another has consequences for the quality of the relationship between them. Over the course of a lifetime the balance of power shifts, and children, complete with memories of how they were treated, have a growing say in their dealings with their parents. As Harris puts it, 'I you don't think the moral imperative is a good enough reason to be nice to your kid, try this one: Be nice to your kid when he's young so that he will be nice to you when you're old.' There are well-functioning adults who still shake with rage when recounting the cruelties their parents inflicted on them as children. There are others who moisten up in private moments when recalling a kindness or sacrifice made for their happiness, perhaps one that the mother or father has long forgotten. If for no other reason, parents should treat their children well to allow them to grow up with such memories."
- p.399 Part V: Hot Buttons, Ch. 19: Children

So the parent-child relationship is just one of the several substantial relationships that we all need as basic human beings. In fact, if I had to choose, I think I'd have it Pinker's way. Respect for all people at all ages. Everyone matters all the time. I'm done with my child theory. Children are fucking smart and adults are fucking dumb relative to how much more experience they have. I honestly feel like I could sit down at Starbucks over coffee (the little boy or girl would probably have a kid's hot chocolate) with a child with a reasonably developed language sense and have a meaningful conversation, with neither the baby babble / slow and awkward word pronounciation nor the usage of unnecessary and difficult synonyms. And I would be able to say to him or her, "You know, you and I are not as unlike as we appear."

Pinker distills it nicely, while also restating the thesis of his book, in his parting words for the topic. "It is children, above all, who are alleged to be blank slates, and that can make us forget they are people."