Hezo Kittie

I get the weirdest revelations the morning after I drink.

I've felt that the past two years have been defined by my failures as a scientist, but I have not acknowledged the strides that I've made as a man. When I think about how I used to be emotionally during senior year of high school or even as a college freshman, I can safely say I am a completely different and infinitely more mature person (which superficially does not seem the case, since the Iron Horse Assassins topped off an epic four day bender).

The end of our second year away from high school is coming to a close, and it's fucking scary that I have my life in my hands and I don't know what to do with it. "Begin with the end in mind," says Stephen Covey. I can't get past that because I have no idea what I want the end to look like.

I always thought I wanted to do stuff with computers because I've always had fun tinkering and messing around with them ever since we had AOL on a 56k. I also thought it would be cool because then I wouldn't have to deal with people because that part was hard and I wasn't very good at it.

But now all I want to do is deal with people. Specifically, I want to help people transcend their emotional insecurities.

A friend and I were walking back from the library one night, and she started to tell me personal things. And the fire in my belly was lit, and I felt honored that she trusted me with such private information. And it was only a five minute walk that was abruptly cut off, but the only thing I could think about was, "I want to help you through this."

And I partially blew it. I spouted some autobiographical anecdote and made some suggestions during our conversation, but in hindsight that was pointless and unhelpful. I'm not sure what field of science or psychology it is, so I don't know where to look it up, but Nicole told me that people normally don't want to hear about how YOU dealt with THEIR problem. Sometimes they just want you to acknowledge that you're listening.

"Seek first to understand, and then be understood," says Covey. I didn't get that far though because I couldn't get past the second chapter. I have a feeling that it is highly relevant in this situation.

I sat around earlier today with my morning coffee, and out of nowhere I saw the root of her snowballing cynicism.

"Holy shit," I thought. It wasn't her classes or her parents or even her boyfriend and their recent breakup.

"What we need to set us free is to let go of each other, let go of everything..." - The Good Life's "Inmates"

I can't just tell her because that doesn't help. I think people have to find out a solution on their own so that they believe in it. It's like answering a math problem versus looking at the solutions manual's logic. You can't simply fit someone else's train of thought to your problem (also I'd like to debunk the myth that math is mindless black and white pedagogy; there's many paths to a solution). She has to discover it on her own.

But for now the one thing I know I can do is listen. If I spouted more anecdotes or became critical of her opinions and feelings, she wouldn't trust me with them. And here I must be honest with myself as well; am I truly respectful of her opinions or is it a facade in order to extract more information from her? If I was dishonest with myself, it'd show and she'd be able to tell.

For myself, I have to decide if my retarded nerdy hobby is something I should continue to pursue, or if I should make a serious change. The real question is what this "change" entails. "Begin with the end in mind" my ass. I'm 20 years old what the fuck do I know