Hezo Kittie

I think I've slowly become an old man. I wake up on the weekend and I'm tired and want to organize and wash my dishes before the next stream of work hits. I don't care about having fun, or meeting people, or doing anything exciting, I just want to relax with every opportunity I can without getting myself into any sticky situations.

Everything is kind of predictable sometimes. I will continue my bad habits. Everyone will continue their habits. I think I can change, but I won't. I think I can finish things on time, but I'll end up staying up all night and hating myself. I feel like I can make the effort to expand my intellectual and social horizons, but end up being too tired to do so and instead watch SportsCenter until I fall asleep. It's all nostalgically predictable.

Christen will call me and make fake plans about hanging out without any real intention of following through. And I'll pretend she's being serious when I know it's talk. Then, back in the day, she'd probably hook up with someone, and I'd probably give her shit about it, then subsequently I'd feel like shit about being mean, like clockwork. It's all nostalgically predictable. My parents will still silently think of me as a careless bum when so much of what I do is because I appreciate what they've done for me. Jordan will probably find another girl to devote his life to. I won't, and in turn will meddle with whatever life throws me as I bide my time for something.

I'll finish my work with a feeling of relief and triumph that lasts about an hour at most. Someone once told me, "I don't put any effort into anything, so when I succeed, it's a lucky break, and when I fail, it's expected." It's knowing full well that, that feeling when you put your time and effort into something only to fall flat on your face, is the straight up pits.

I expect too much from my friends while hypocritically being a bad friend at times. I just want easy solutions to simple questions.

I will nostalgically conjure profound ideas about pointless events like watching a dog take a shit and turn it into the reason for our existence. I can't find solace in anything anymore so I have to devise alternate ways to find an exit from the drudgery.

I don't know how I'm going to finish off these dog days when I can't even look forward to anything. Excitement isn't just from doing; it's almost entirely anticipation.

It must be time to blow it all up again. In a purely hypothetical, secular situation, when we're flooded out and have no time to think, who and what will you attempt to save? Maybe people "find" God when they realize that every person important to them in their life has let them down. Not willingly, because human nature has no tendency to do evil, but because the people honestly do not care anymore, even if they tried.

I'm losing my friends, my intellectual pursuits, and my family. At least gambling, professional sports, and music will tide me over until something changes.

"Passing all the days I switched to auto mode
Days for which I've nothing to show
Pausing all the days I'm afraid I'll forget
The days only clear for a second.."