Hezo Kittie

Now that I've completed my sophomore slump somewhat successfully, I can look forward to a new quarter. I spent most of last quarter fucking up something in one way or another, questioning everything and being incredibly indecisive.

Fuck, I'm getting sicker.

I talked to my dad a lot over Spring Break about academics and shit that he's experienced already, and I snagged a few truths that I found to be pretty useful.

First, when I told him about my drop in GPA, he wasn't mad but asked me what I thought about it. I told him about one of my professors, that seriously was out for blood, and some of the material I've learned over the quarter. He agreed that some of it was pretty tough. It's pretty cool that my dad studied CS at San Jose State for a while, so he actually knows what I'm talking about. I think it runs on his side of the family; four of my uncles (out of six) either program for a living or used to.

He said he was glad that I acknowledged what exactly it is I should or need to improve on. "It's better that you hit a roadblock at 19 and actually learn from it, as opposed to drifting along until you're 35 and you say to yourself, 'Shit what have I just been doing for the last fifteen years?'"

He told me a story that his mentor at Pac Bell told him when he first started out. (This ain't just any guy, either. He's a top 5 in SBC right now. Pretty sav.)

"When I was still a kid, my dad told me, 'Young man, write down everything that you worry about on a piece of paper and show it to me in a few days.' So I wrote everything down, and then when I was done he sat down with me and went over each item one by one. 'Can you control this? No? Cross it out. Can you control the next one? Yea. Circle that one.'" etc.

I thought the young man part was hella funny, but I'm not sure why.

I used to worry about what place I have here with the people I've met. But I've realized I can't control what they think of me, so all I can do is be as good a friend as I can with what limited time I have. Obviously, I'd rather be drunk with my friends all day, but when it comes down to it, that's not why I'm here.

My dad also told me that there's four main things in our life that we have to balance: work life, personal life, health, and spirituality. He said the health thing isn't really a big deal right now because I'm still young and full of energy. Spirituality is a broad term that doesn't mean religion but rather "some anchor to ground your life". Take what you will from that vague description. He said his anchor is singing in the choir. The rest is pretty straightforward.

I want to find out what I love to do and who I love. The latter is easy; I am completely happy and grateful for every friend I've encountered in both San Ramon and Los Angeles. The former is tricky. Music, movies, sports: these take up a large portion of my spare time, but it's more of me buying into the consumer culture than true passion. Granted, there are many that make pop culture into a lifelong commitment, but to me it really just boils down to a pleasant diversion.

It's too early to drop CS entirely, since I believe it can still be salvaged. I do know I'm pretty excited for my intro to ethics class because it'll be my first philosophy class. Even after just barely scratching the surface in discussion, the questions that were raised already had me tripping balls.

On a completely different note, today Kim said, "Actually I don't really like asian people in general." And I thought about the stereotype she was referring to, the dorky, quiet, study-obsessed, unfashionable fobby kids. To some extent, I feel like I've actually made an effort to try and not be like that. And it makes me feel dirty, and also stupid and closed minded. I thought about how much I've suppressed and ignored my culture. The language barrier is tough. Filipinos know english, but the old wise ones simply drop English niceties on me and pat my head. I don't really know what else to say.

Maybe I'm not just buying into this consumer culture; I'm also buying into this faux-rebellious, devil may care, work is drudgery and lame, knowing lots of people is cool. And it's not even rebellious, it's actually the norm, and the rebellion is just part of the "look". I've had a recent fixation on certain celebrities, but not of the socialite ring. Shepard Fairey, Greg Graffin, Barack Obama. And various professional athletes. I've become so narrow-minded about tiny vanities and first impressions that I don't see the bigger picture. I've never seen the bigger picture. The common thread that I found in these people is that, at some point in their lives, they completely believed in what they do. Fairey was obsessed with the viral spread of street art. Graffin believed in the power of his music to open up the listener's eyes. And Obama believed in the mobilization of Chicago's black community.

I always thought to myself, "It's not about the money." Any job is fine as long as it's enough to support my family and relatives in need. No one is in it for the money, except the incredibly wealthy.

But I would not want to be a salesperson. There is just something so defeating about working in sales on commission that would just completely crush my spirits. Sales is synonymous with failed ambitions.

With the resources at our disposals, it would be tragic to just get by and end up in sales without even attempting to fulfill those ambitions.

So after more thought over spring break, I decided I wanted to look into Open Source projects. All of the material and ingredients are online; it's up to me to actually start and finish writing code that in some small way advances our current state of software monopolies. I don't know if I will even actually pursue this idea over the summer, but it excites me just to think that I can come up with some way to meld work and passion together. Working hard in school, getting flawless grades, that shit doesn't cut it anymore. I can't bring myself to do something like chain myself a tree to save it or clean up beaches. Virtuous causes, indeed, but shit that I honestly don't care about. I wonder if Aristotle would consider me a "bad" person.

No more of the past willy-nilly, it's time for the Comeback of the Year.