Hezo Kittie

So I've been thinking more about trying to get my grades up, or at least try to take more initiative in actually getting things done and taking pride in my work. When grades are my biggest worry then I know that something is going right. Anyway, school has been pretty tough this quarter, and I talked to my CS TA, who's been through the whole process, and he said that the freshman series that I'm in right now is a straight up weed out series; some of the people that will drop out of it and switch or take a break might have actually had a chance at making it in the upper divs had they got out of the series alive. He also said that upper divs are more conceptual, so the material is harder to wrap your head around but there's only one or two big projects in them for the most part, so I'm looking forward to that.

Although it hasn't been bothering me as much as before, something that someone pointed out to me has caught my attention recently. They asked me if I don't feel as close to my college friends as I do my high school friends, and I said that that was about right. It's not because I feel I have a shortage of words to exchange with them, however; it's that when I'm not around I feel expendable. It's such a weird feeling to have because I realized I've been through the exact same thing in middle school and high school, but I've become so close to my friends over the past four years that those memories haven't even crossed my mind in a very, very long time. So we are basically forced into this new situation that is slightly uncomfortable (or at least I feel it is) and make the most of it. But it's not that easy.

There are certain people that I know are gonna be around for a while, and I think that's great. But I remember being a freshman in high school and being afraid of not going on AIM for fear of my friends not inviting me to hang out anymore. The internet is funny; it's given me a false sense of confidence knowing that only a certain amount sincerity can really be achieved through text, but at the same time it has probably retarded my ability to socialize somewhat. Ah well, at least it's an endless source of user-submitted information!

I also learned that there's a significant difference between just pleasing someone and truly caring about them. One is for the betterment of yourself and the other is selfless.

When Christen was in LA last weekend and said that she might forget to call me because she's really busy, I realized that high school is officially over. Maybe I'll reminisce every once in a while about high school, but other than the occasional break or random get together with my friends, it will never be replicated. This is now my life. Was it worth it? Well, I didn't really have a choice, so no. But I'd say it didn't work out too shabby. Just... different.

I think actions speak much louder than words, and that "intentions" are sometimes nearly meaningless, because anyone can have good intentions. Actually putting those words into action is the incredibly difficult part. Someone ruin your shit? Just keep moving. Don't say a word, don't think, just move. Spontaneity is scary and exciting. Thinking is the easy part, but I've always taken the hard way out of anything, so I think it's time to act.

"So hurry up and run to the one that you love..."