Hezo Kittie

"Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values."

-- Ayn Rand, professional smartypants

Today has been nice and interesting so far. Having to wake up before 11 on a Saturday morning is something that's very foreign to me since being in college, but it was worth it. I went to the Ad Team focus group with Hannah, and basically what they did was interview us (us being about 25 kids that were to represent the college demographic, I guess) and it was actually really fun. Our table had about six people at it, and they asked us a multitude of questions, from "What image is conjured when you hear the word Coke?" to "What types of things put you in a happy place?" Yeah, a lot of the questions were really weird. The six of us truly represented a wide variety of opinions, however, which was really fun. There was this one girl with bleach blonde hair who talked about how some of her happiest memories were having a Girls Night Out once or twice a month. Another guy was an outdoorsy type who enjoyed being out in nature. He wasn't a college student, and apparently worked a lot. One guy was a student who worked at some fashion company doing marketing, and he was slightly pretentious and eager to shoot down people's opinions. He also mentioned that he had the mindset of a girl a lot of the time. I think he was gay. And there was me and Hannah, and three Ad Team moderators, who asked the questions and also gave a lot of really good input, while also keeping the topic of conversation on the right track.

It was amazing because a.) I love good, well-done commercials and advertisements and b.) the different perspectives made me consider and re-evaluate the good and bad in my life. I guess it felt like Breaking Down the Walls pt.2 when it really wasn't supposed to be.

They asked us to think of our best friend and why they are our best friend, and I never really sat down and thought about it.

Okay, now I'm ready to finish this thang, twelve hours later.

And I knew that for real, the most important person in my entire life, no matter how weird or shitty or happy my life is, is Christen. And no one will believe that because no one knows her like I do, but it's true. I like that she's looked out for me through thick and thin, and that she's protected me and looked out for me and made sure that everything was okay when I was almost totally convinced that the future and my current life was bleak. I like that. And what makes her my best friend is the fact that, no matter how much she hates me and hates everything about me and how much I complain and how she can't stand how weird and retarded and irrational I am about everything, she will be there when I really need her. And it sucks to admit that you need someone sometimes, but to know that she will call me and ask me how it is in LA, even if it's just coming back from class in Isla Vista, is comforting.

And I know in my heart that no matter how much I loathe her, how much I think I despise everything about her, I will take a bullet for her without question. And it's because, even if there's things that I don't like about her, none of it matters at all. And I will do anything and everything for her, if she really needed it, and take her under my wing and protect her, even though I know that she needs no protection. She is the person who keeps everything in its right place and who never turned her back on me when I needed her the most, and that's what makes her my best friend. If she did something that I completely hated, it wouldn't matter to me if she really needed somebody to be there for her. None of that shit matters. I know that I'm repeating myself. I just want to remind myself and everyone how important that is to me.

It's interesting to think how different people become when you really get to know them and when you just think you know them, or judge them based on how you originally perceived them to be. For, example, Hannah. I've spent a lot of time with this girl since I've come to UCLA, but we really have not seen eye to eye on literally any topic. Her perspectives on life are completely different from mine, and to think that we would ever be compatible in any sense would be total gibberish.

But I spent basically the whole day with her today, and she gave me perspective. Her opinions are different, obviously, but they were honest and truthful. And that's what I want to see in a person. She knows that she sees herself as a divorcee even without ever marrying someone, because she knows that she cannot be compatible with another person for the rest of her life. And I see myself finding someone who I truly love and want to grow old with, and I realistically see having a strong marriage of 70 years while supporting my great grandkids. And no matter how different we are, it makes perfect sense.

I had a really awesome day with her just drinking coffee and chain smoking cigarettes. As much as I want to quit smoking because it's harmful and pointless, this weekend I realized how prevalent smoking has become in my life. All of the best memories I have were while I was just unwinding over a cigarette and maybe a cup of coffee or two. And for the first time in literally weeks, I was able to have the conversation, any conversation, a conversation, with someone. A conversation where you tell someone something that you might be scared about but say it anyway. Or maybe you just want to hear someone's honest opinion about life, which is basically what I've been saying all along. What people say in front of groups and what people say when you're face to face are totally different.

It was so fucking amazing to be able to just have a real talk with someone and not bullshit or beat around any bush. I tend to do that sometimes because I'm afraid of being judged. But today was differerent. Our ad team focus group was almost thirty minutes over the intended deadline, even though everyone else was gone, because we were still so "focused" on our topic and our opinions and feeding off each other's differences. And even if I didn't input too much into the conversation, it was fucking brilliant to hear the sides of every story.

I shouldn't judge people before I meet them. Some people become people you never thought they were, for better or for worse. I'm not really sure if I am drunk, even though I've been drinking, but this whole stream of consciousness, Jack Kerouac guerilla style writing has confirmed that, yes, I'm drunk and honest and liberated and free of myself and my introverted handicap. I could possibly fight someone, or at least wrestle, or maybe get slapped forty times in the face. But it's infinitely times better to relax and let everything out that has consumed me over the past eighteen hours.

It's funny that I associate smoking with such good memories, such as being at a coffee shop in the afternoon (like today, or any time during the summer), or smoking in the rain in the car with my best friend, or smoking with my sister on the streets of Nevada, but it's true. I'm so bottled up because I want someone, anyone (not necessarily anyone, mind you) to be able to just chat and have fun and feel connected with. And I felt that today, even if it was fleeting (deja vu?). This might not happen again so I must record it in memory. The best times are few and far in between, and for some reason these last few weeks have not been going so well. I really have not talked to Corinna in literally weeks, and for some reason the first thing that comes to her mind every time I see her or talk to her for more than three minutes is that she loves to have sex with her boyfriend. And that's cool and all, but I feel like the same conversation happens over and over, and it's seriously not going anywhere. She misses her boyfriend, or wants to have sex with him, or wants to be home with him, or how he does lots of nice stuff for her, or how he lived the ghetto life without actually admitting he's more ghetto than all the wanksters at Cal. And I already knew all this before I started to talk to her because I've worked regularly with Sam over the past year (not now, of course). I faintly recall talking about things other than this, but they don't come up anymore.

Yet I digress. It really fucking sucks to know that today won't happen again indefinitely, because today really was how I imagined UCLA would be like.

Just any kind of eye in the storm would put everything in its right place, where I'd feel invincible and scholarly and want to work hard and love the people around me. But when I take huge chunks of hours to do work that I believe is useless and without the company of my friends to break the monotony then I feel it all to be wasted. It's then that I feel like my time here serves no purpose, that I could be in the comfort of my home trying to get my life together instead of fucking it all up as I have been here. I could easily dismiss this quarter entirely and be on academic probation because I don't give a fuck and without a balance I feel it doesn't matter to me. And my parents would flip a bitch about it but I would not care less because I would tell them why and they would (or might?) possibly understand how unmotivated I am in regards to my studies. As much as I won't like to admit it, adjusting is hard. It's very hard.

I really wish Katie stayed around. Back to my smoking stories, I'd have to honestly say that the first real honest time that I've smoked and felt connected with someone and took a break from everything was with her in Hawaii. The completely oddball thing about it is we are not friends at all, we are by definition friends of friends and nothing more. But what made it different was that she asked me about my life and my friends and was interested and wanted to know and listened. I know that not many people actually care about my opinion on anything anymore. And we sat on the balcony and smoked Hawaiian cigars and I heard a little bit of her story. Going on a vacation where you can just let it all hang out is where I want to be right now.

And in the end, it comes full circle. I always considered Ayn Rand to be this psycho crazy feminist total bitch robot who did not give a fuck about anyone in her life. Maybe this is true, I don't know. I don't personally know her. But what she said in the above has resonated with me this weekend, and put into words what I couldn't quite put a finger on.

Pain, whether it be through sacrifice for what you believe might be the "right" thing to do or whether it be through the hardships one has faced through one's life, does not define your life and who you are. Nor does enjoyment through mindless self-indulgence, which feels more like a sad attempt to be connected but becomes shallow and unfulfilling. I think I've done a lot of that here. And if I had that last piece, that fulfilling part in my life, then the fun indulgence would truly be fun and my work would be purposeful. But it's not, and I won't force it. When it happens, it happens.

The no bullshit happiness, the one that I said I've been looking for for at least three years, is often overlooked and hard to come by. And that is what Rand is saying. It's different for everyone. For me, it's being with the people who care. Who will hate my guts but take the bullet for me and not watch me get shot while just feeling uncomfortable yet indifferent. It starts and ends with this happiness, and I know exactly what it is. From there, everything else simply falls into place.