Hezo Kittie

I love how I've spent so many years writing on this blog and thinking about how stupid I sound, and how I try not to sound like an idiot when I post and remember that in two years I'll be reading this again. I don't care. I am a complete dumbass, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of myself and how I've waited passively for something good to happen to me and how it's come and gone. I don't even know exactly what it is that I'm waiting for, but that I've spent so much time on my studies and how much I couldn't care less about them and how stupid it is to work so fucking hard for a five figure job that I do just to pay the bills. Pay what bills? So I can live in some stupid condo by myself in LA, languishing for days in front of a computer just so I can afford to live in a city I don't want to be in? It's fucking stupid. I do computer science because I happen to be good at it, and not even two quarters through it I know that I have to sacrifice seven days a week for something that I just happen to be good at. I'm sick of this stupid shit that I have to stress out over for no reason. I don't care about grades, yet I still let them consume me. They are the least of my worries, and all I can think of is how much I don't want to be like my dad's friend, who got a job in the States teaching math to high schoolers who could not care less, without a family of his own or a family to take care of him.

I'm taking on the daily grind alone, and when sometimes all I wish would be for a good conversation to break the monotony of the constant pressure, all I'm left with is a blank stare into the orange glow that lights my school at night. I stopped smoking not because of my health but because my non-smoking friends think I'm an idiot because of my smoking habits and think I can't stop. I'm so vain, right? I couldn't care less about my health, I stay up and get possibly five hours of sleep in two days and act like a complete zombie, the same as I have over the years, and alienate the rest of the people around me. And fuck up everything I've ever had, and the only thing that I've cared about. And maybe I'll pretend that getting a passing grade in computer science is important to me when I couldn't care less. Maybe I'll read this blog and think of how much of a dumbass I am for writing it when I know I'll regret it in the morning? Maybe I just wish I wouldn't be watching the sunrise by myself while chain smoking cigarettes and witnessing the garbage men make their daily rounds. And think about how pathetic I am, to think that out of 40,000 people on this entire campus, I'm the only one sitting on that stupid bench as day breaks. And then I think about those Asian guys that post up in front of the liquor store, smoking cigarettes and buying six packs, never doing anything with their lives, and knowing how I'll end up just like them. I spent my whole life avoiding the unknown and doing what I think is right, only to make every safe decision and end up completely unsatisfied with it.

I want to lay it all on the line. I want to say what I truly want to say, I want to stay up for days and know what everyone else truly feels about life and not the bullshit they spout in front of all their friends. I want to be connected, and as much as I'd not want to be an awkward freshman, it's inevitable because I'm halfway through it and I'm just peaking. I hate it. I want to be able to tell myself that I'm not wasting my parents money by studying for four days straight, but I'll feel like shit for it because I'm so fucking dependent that I'll feel my whole learning experience wasn't worth it.

My dad always said that college was only half education and half experience. I know that he was never an underage drinker or a druggie, and I don't think he regretted it. And as much as I wish that I could relate to him, I know that we aren't the same. I want to expand the relationships that I have with people, to nourish them and turn them into something that means anything to me, anything to break the silence of drawing stupid mazes of linked lists onto the sheet of paper in front of me, pretending that programming is the only thing that I care about when it's just an excuse.

My roommate is probably bothered by my typing in the middle of the night, but this is probably the only time I'm going to express myself without feeling like shit about it and leaving it on the table. I hate how dependent I am and how irrational I can be. I hate how weird I can be sometimes. I'm getting tired of trying so hard and just getting by.

But seriously, to try hard in school isn't actually "trying". To me, laying it all on the line is something I've never done. I want to seriously put into priority everything that I care about, full knowing that I have the potential to completely fuck up my life. To know that I even attempted a career suicide, as ambiguious as it is, would be the ultimate goal to me. Anyone can get a low five figure job doing something they are indifferent to. It takes a real person to drop everything and say what they feel and pursue exactly what they knew they wanted all along.

Like when Pam started to get choked up about her dream porch, the one that's beachside, the one that she read about when she was seven and didn't actually think could exist. She knew it was there and didn't put her real priorities on the line. She didn't dare fuck up everything that was "ok" about her life, when she knew it wasn't, and tolerate whatever would happen to her. I'm sick of tolerating everything that happens to me. I want to take action. I want to less think and more act, the same thing that I've been telling myself for years. I can't heed my own advice, and it will be my downfall. I will become the person I hate, the person twenty years older than me, the person who is completely opposite of what they imagined they could've been, and known they could've been. That fat asian guy on the beach who is puking on himself, completely trashed, and without the aid of his family, who are swimming calmly in the ocean.

I normally wouldn't even mention Pam, because it's just plain stupid to relate to anything on a television show. Television has corrupted our youth and made them into mindless drones who would rather turn off their potential problem solving skills for a cheap thrill, where they can forget everything that hides deep in the back of their minds and let their TVs think for them. How they will become the lazy adults of our generation, not contributing to our society. Fuck our society, and it's office buildings and its jobs where the workers are "running out the clock, like upstairs", and everyone is doing things that they hate. I like to solve problems, and I hate to spend hours upon hours implementing solutions I've already figured out because of syntatical errors.

My parents met when they were fourteen, and went to the same high school, undergraduate college, and graduate study together. The funny thing was that they didn't start dating until graduate school, and they ended up happily married. It's crazy to think that it might have been fate, or it might have been necessity. All I know is that I love my family with every ounce of being that I have, because no matter how many times I've fucked up in my life, they've backed me and respected me no matter what I put my mind to. And no matter how pointless my dad thinks an engineering degree is, he'll back up any decision I make to my grave. And I love how my mom will answer at any time of the day and I can ask her how to wash my sheets or just stupid shit that I forgot. I can tell her anything and she'll back me up, even if I totaled my dad's car.

I know they love me and just want me to make it, so every day I thank them and I thank God that they gave me every opportunity to succeed. But success is in the eyes of the beholder, and as I've said years ago, I will say it again. I've not accomplished anything in my life. And to believe that I've achieved what I truly want and took a chance, even if I missed horribly, is life. I don't care what it ends up being. I want to stutter, and feel stupid, and be totally wrong, and just completely fuck up with the chance that I might end up finding what I want out of this life. Because I know for sure that it's not there.

I'm trying to just figure out what grades are worth these days and I honestly don't know. If I know that I'm not a born leader and I can't head managerial positions in my field, I know that I won't be going to graduate school for any reason, and will probably hit the market right when I get my undergrad degree. I'm thinking my experience in the field (internships, active research) will be much more important than whether or not I get a C or B in some undergraduate programming class.

Honestly, I don't care about any of the shit that I write about. I've fucked up everything that I've cared about without even taking a chance to fuck everything up. And that's what makes me sad.

"I'll never have to buy adjacent plots of earth
We'll never have to rot together underneath dirt
I'll never have to lose my baby in the crowd
I should be laughing right now"