Hezo Kittie

The topic of religion always makes me uncomfortable because I sometimes have ideas, but even I don't know where I stand. But there's a few things that I remember throughout my life where religion has played an important role.

I go to the same church as Nicole for forever, just like her. Her mom was my CCD teacher (the class you go to when you're little and learn about the bible and then take your first communion), so that's interesting I guess.

I went to Little Saints Sunday School, which was where the toddler-ish age kids go during mass and have their little kid mass. And I went to the Children's Liturgy of the Word, which is like the simplified version of the gospel, during mass when I was in elementary school. Wow, I just realized how much Catholicism I've been exposed to.

But when I was that age, I used to think praying at night was as important and necessary as brushing your teeth or, when I was into tae kwon do, doing push-ups. But when I was little it really did feel like when I prayed, that everything turned out okay and better. But being a little kid, I didn't have actual problems, just like having a tummyache or something silly. But I would pray when I felt bad and it would make me feel better. Maybe it was just the placebo effect. But I haven't gotten a stomachache in years. Must be a miracle. But as a kid I definitely believed in God because I thought he watched out for me.

When I became a teenager I thought less about God and religion and faith. It didn't really concern me anymore I guess. Maybe I stopped praying because I stopped having problems. But I never felt like God would smite me for questioning or not practicing religion. It's just something we go through.

And I definitely do not care for mass at all. I have always been completely neutral toward it, have never seen it as a hindrance or beneficial, or rewarding, or anything. It's always been ritualistic to me.

Everything changed last year when I went on my church retreats in preparation for my confirmation. The people that organize my church are such cool people, and the two weekends that I spent away from everything I knew were ... I can't even describe it. But they never imposed their beliefs or lectures on me. They presented it and let me decide what I felt about it. They never made you participate if you didn't want to. And I think that's what helped me synthesize what I truly believe in, at least partially.

I just knew that when high school was getting hectic and dull, going to the retreat and just having time away from everything that concerned me reminded me of where I put religion in my life. And I do think God is important, even if I don't constantly acknowledge Him. But not once have I ever considered hell, and being smited, and fearing God. I believe faith is extremely personal; it's tough for me to put any of this into the right words.

As for tales of morality, I feel like I've matured but my actions have dictated otherwise. Maybe I should take a cue from you, Bryan, by following the ideals of love and goodness, but reading your post has made me realize how long and forgotten those two once very important aspects of my life have faded. It's hard to be compassionate when it seems like the world runs through self-interest. It's hard when you're sucked into the aura of "high school": deception, grudges, fitting in, getting laid, drinking, smoking. Not necessarily what I participate in, just what our lives seem to revolve around these days. It's hard to fit "compassion" in there. Maybe loyalty, but in the context of teenage life, even that word is meaningless. But who said any of this was easy anyway?

My good buddy Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, "It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude." It was the foundation for my speech last year, and steered me in the right direction at the time. But this year I've gotten lost in all things high school. I look to the past less than I once did; it could be the sign of maturity, but could just as well be a loss of everything I once cared about.

But don't worry. It's still me. Kevin, who threw a fit when he couldn't ride his bike without training wheels on first try. Who obediently packed up his toys and sadly crawled up the stairs into his bed, pulling his blanket over his head, whenever his nanny told him to, no matter what time it was. Who cried and screamed at a teacher when his friend in second grade was unfairly put in timeout, whose friend turned back and made fun of him for crying.

No matter what happens, I'll still be exactly how I was when I was five. If you made any impact on my life, when it matters I'll defend you to the death. And even if that's the only thing I know to be true about myself, I'm glad to have not forgotten who I am.

"Don't be a nice person. There's enough nice people in the world. Be yourself."