Hezo Kittie

I too don't get why people turn very punky and hang out with similar people. I also don't get why people just randomly try to pick fights with people and criticize their stuff. But these people are just the ones that I avoid because they are just pretty whack people.

Today sparked into me some rare, true depression where I was a mellow hindu cow for a few hours, feelin' pretty blue if you know what I mean. Anyone reading Nick's blog would know that I regret not staying in Nicole's company after school when I felt at first that I had to leave. She is a very good listener and I got to talk to her online and it was cool.

After school I sat in the playground and chilled and I had to cool it and then I talked to Nick online and then I went to Starbucks with Bryan and then I felt a lot better. I think I have been pretty lonely lately, so my many conversations today made me feel better, but not what was being said, but actually just talking. I think I'm isolating myself pretty bad right now and all I want to do is talk to people.

Now that I just came out of a hole of depression, I am ultra-tolerant of everything. Things that people (myself included) would normally bitch about I actually see through different perspectives.

There is a big difference between depression and just being bitter or sad, because it feels like you're in a really big hole. And it's not fun to be in a really big hole, and you wish you could just get out but it's too big. I wanted to just act normal but it kept playing over in my head and I thought, "Why would they just walk away, look back, and leave again? Am I that bad?"

So when I think back to people feeling down and you trying to help them, when they are really depressed there isn't really much to be done. When you're in that hole, only time can get you out. Sometimes the best thing to be done is to just be good company, and maybe not even say anything as, again, nothing much can be said.

I remember after school Nick said, "Where's Kevin?" and David was like, he's right here, he looks like he's going to kill himself, and I felt stupider because I know for a fact that being sad looks stupid. And I felt more retarded. No one wants to hang out with a sulky person, which is why I don't get how people are depressed for attention. I think that would suck because being sad sucks.

To me, Bryan and Christen are the only people with their heads screwed on properly. Everything they say makes sense and they don't go apeshit over the stupidest things. They are rational and trustworthy. Nick is honest. Nicole is strong, supportive, a good listener. And though I don't talk to Felicia that much, we think on the exact same wavelength, as her ideas on different types of relationships directly reflect mine. I'm just naming people's good qualities right now because these days we think of the bad things in a person too much. Right now, oddly enough, I want to be used by people. I don't think I've done enough for these people who so graciously stand at my side.

I don't think I'm coming to the commons for lunch anymore.