Hezo Kittie

I was going to sleep, but I happened to stop by a certain blog and it made me think. Like it always does, and then it makes me post like it usually does.

I post not always about what's relevant but it makes my juices go swirly.

"A path that has no obstacles probably doesn't lead anywhere."

That was a quote we had to analyze during our socratic seminar in English. What is my path? It has little obstacles, so where does it lead? My group didn't get to analyze this quote, and I wanted to say something about it but I was scared to go in the Hot Seat. Christen was too. So I just sat, even though I barely said anything when my group went up because we did something stupid that I couldn't relate to.

Anyways, back to my path. My goal is to go to a good college and become a leader. My dad says that to get ahead in life you have to be a leader. I like to talk to my friends. I do NOT like to participate during class. I do NOT like to be a leader academically, and I do NOT like to stand up and say anything in the front of the classroom. I like to sit in the corner and do my work and hopefully sit next to people I can talk to.

Such as the famous quote, "Who's Kevin?" from spanish, even though I was the one who said it. It basically meant that no one really knew who I was, but as time in Spanish went by I got to know everyone because I talked to whoever I sat next to.

Back to the quote again. My life seems to have no obstacles, academically or socially. I honestly don't think I'm very smart, I've just experienced how school works over time. Maybe I can adapt well. I remember I asked Dooner how he became a tutor at Kumon when he doesn't even like math or anything, and he said, "It's called fucking with the system." And I think that's what I basically do. Somehow, I read people's away messages and I hear about them being crushed with homework or finals or anything like that, and then there's me who just sits here and watches a movie instead of studying or expanding my vocabulary and curriculum or doing anything life-expanding. Movies don't do much to expand your knowledge anyway. Wow I noticed a pop culture reference of Platoon in Simpsons! That shall get me farther in life! I basically piss all over my classes and pull out As. Maybe it's because I don't need as much sleep as other people do. I can sleep at 12, or 12:30 with little to no nod-off during the day (except from about 3:30 to 6, which is when I am usually droopy, slow-witted or taking a nap). And then I don't even like participating in class, so when I try to collect my thoughts for the socratic seminar, we switch subjects and if I said what I wanted to I would've gotten marked off for being off-topic. Maybe I don't have the fastest mind ever. I don't finish first, I'm usually rushing to beat the bell, but maybe it's a secret attribute that helps me. I think the reason I wrote better than I thought I would've on the literary reaction on the poem about the Japanese girl was that I took a step back and just thought for more than five minutes straight. I had to beat the buzzer, but my thoughts were collected and I pushed my meek writing style into something more articulate and I probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference between my writing and some other piece.

I don't really like to read, but since I like movies I like to read about modern cinema. The first place I usually head to in Borders or Barnes and Noble is the Cinema section, because I never realized how many books were published about movies or a particular movie or a period of time or a certain genre, they have books of every interest and I don't see how someone could not be entertained in Borders, it's got everything.

I always read about great directors who started out as like social outcasts or something. Well actually it was only two but then I feel like maybe im too outcast-y. Scorsese said that when he was a child he was shut out from friends a lot so instead he watched a lot of movies. Kevin Smith said that when he was a kid he wasn't very good at anything, but his dad always took him to the cinema after school or even taking him out of school to see a movie.

Christen is way smarter than me. I can always remember me talking to her for what seems like forever, and then she would just say like one or two things and then suddenly everything makes sense and the world is turned right side up again. That's a pretty good feeling though.

I used to think that my life went by in days, such as today I'm going to do this and I have no idea what I'm going to do the next day. But now I think it goes in hours, or even minutes. Like, after this period I will buy a cookie. During lunch I will do my spanish homework. I think NOTHING of what will happen right after the next hour, or the period after next. I am nearsighted in my time. When I get home I say, "I will watch a movie," and then I won't think much after that. "This movie ends in 50 minutes," "Now I am going to eat dinner" and that would go on and on until it's around midnight and I'm tired and I say, "I better start my homework." Luckily for me today, I already finished my math homework in class and I just had to do my transcript which seemed like a million pages long and took almost two hours because my mom won't stop talking and I just typed whatever she had to say, and I like to type so it was actually fun.

And now I'm thinking again and I should really be sleeping. I am detached from my past. This is me ----| |----- this is the past. We are not one, we are detached. I feel nothing towards it. No emotion. I can't remember how I felt when I was with Brooke. I don't remember being happy. I see her picture all the time and it doesn't remind me of anything.

Christen gave me the only living solo picture of me and Corinna ever created. And I felt weird and couldn't remember anything or how I felt. And then I went on Ownagi and deleted my guest blog.

I think that once emotion passes jealousy is still there. And that is beyond comprehension. Small and nagging, but there.

I don't remember what it's like to be really sad about something. Now it feels like my soul has detached from my life. When I feel mellow, I go on aim and listen to my Dashboard Confessional mp3s, and though it is supposed to make you cry like a spanked baby it gives me a feeling of connectedness, like I'm somewhere. And it's a good feeling, I'm pretty sure. I hate it though when I'm just chilling and not feeling like dancing and then my sister just busts my door down off its hinges and she turns up the Britney Spears and just dances in my room, and I'm like what no dancing

I once knew a guy who never finished his sentences with a punctuation. I asked him about it and he said, "It's so it seems like my thoughts do not stop at where I stop writing." And it made some form of sense, even though I knew he was bullshitting.

Oh yeah and another thing I fucking hate geometry that fucking gayest class ever. 1.) It's boring. 2.) I always beat Mark Elbogen but once every million years when he does get top score he pisses on himself and the teacher is all proud of him and I'm like fuck you yet I try to get BETTER than an A just to make sure that I can beat Mark and I don't have to watch him piss on himself. What a waste of time. Geometry is the dumbest class ever, it makes perfect sense.

Summary:

-I like movies
-I piss on myself and shit my pants and get As somehow and I hate to participate
-My hardest subject is PE because its annoying and I hate it and its hard and no one is in that class except annoying people who are way stronger than me a.k.a. Jordan Meeks
-I feel no emotion
-I am a vegetable
-Christen is smart
-I am the shorest person in spanish class

And we finish the blog with a Surf lyric:

I felt my heart swell, then recede
Do you still believe
That once you fall in love, you can never fall out
That some words have meaning that can only be felt
That time passes by, but emotions stand still
And the tears from my eyes with these emotions are filled

well i'm not deterred, i stand firm and corrected
Loving you madly, I'm calm and collected
torn up and dissected, unsolved but detected

Alive injected with songs much stronger than you

So come down stairs and open the door
I want to talk to you all day
I want to tell you all things that I've wanted to say
For so long
I'm not the man you used to know
I'm not the seeds you like to sow
I'm not the reason you're alone,
But I wish I was, I wish I felt alone
For so long..