Hezo Kittie

Sometimes I wonder...

when have I ever been truly happy? When is it when you are so perfectly, completely content that you don't want more in life and just want to sigh and think to yourself and just close your eyes and die with life fulfilled?

It was the summer before 8th grade and we were at a party. I was tired from running around because I was throwing food at certain people and I just sat on the couch to rest. I remember her sitting next to me, wearing a red skirt and was barefoot. Her feet were almost pure black from walking around in the garage and outside barefoot. She was just sitting next to me and I never said anything. One of her friends wanted her to go to the dance floor but she declined and we were sitting there and I wanted to talk, to say anything but I was nervous, I always am. She left later and I did not move. The whole last year she sat behind me and I rarely talked to her. We had similar tastes in music and I remember she let me borrow her sisters ACDC cd because she said she liked it a lot and wanted me to listen to some songs. I remember I broke the case to the CD and I replaced it and she never noticed but thats ok. When we were at the party later we were outside and she tore down some of the streamers hanging on the tables outside and started to braid them, they were pink and dark pink/purple colored. I offered to hold the top of the braid so she could do it and we did start to talk. I remember she made me a small braided one and gave it to me as a bracelet and the three of us had them and we called them friendship bracelets. I remember she told us to wear them for the first day of school and so we could be like weee... I wore mine and we showed them to each other that we all remembered but mine kept untying and falling off. I put it in the front see-through pocket of my backpack and it was there for a few weeks, maybe a month but it fell out and I lost it later.

I remember I was sleeping and I was just about to drift off to REM when I suddenly woke up and said OH SHIT and I got up and I took out a blank sheet of paper, some colored pencils, and some markers and I started to draw. The next day was her birthday and I kept the card in my pocket, being the nervous guy that I am I was afraid to give it to her, I mean I didnt spend too much time doing it but what if she didnt like it? So I went up to her during break and I pulled her out of her friends and I gave it to her and I made her happy and she smiled the biggest smile ever and I smiled and she must have hugged me three times during that one period and I held my head up a little higher that day. I was happy. I remember a few months later she took out a small picture album that had a bunch of cool pictures of her friends and some other things. I remember in the last picture holder there was my card and she kept it and she really did like it and I was happy and I held my head up a little higher that day.

One day something very bad happened to her and she was so very sad and I couldnt stand to see her that way at all, it tore me up from the inside and I couldn't talk to her without being sad so I went down to Nob Hill and I bought a rose and I dropped it off at her house because I thought she was there but she wasn't. The next day she told me that she got it and she was happy and it made me happy. She told me that she loved me. I remember one day I was in her room for the first time and she showed me my rose and it was still there, hanging and dried and she kept it and it made me happy.

There was one point during the year, for a week, or maybe a few days, that I would come out of fourth period and I would be walking to my next class and I would see her from afar, and she would see me and just smile, smile the biggest smile that there ever was, and we would just be walking toward each other from afar and I we would hug and I would feel like I was somewhere else, some place perfect. During that time I came into my next class with my head up a little higher.

I remember one day I was standing on the fire hydrant across the street from her house one day and she was putting the dog away and she walked toward me from her backyard, through the gate, and towards me and she smiled the biggest smile and I was happy and I could have fallen over and nutted myself on the hydrant and still be happy.

I remember on the tuesday of the last week of school and I came out of the bathroom and the bell rang telling it was the end of lunch and I saw her and she held me and I remember having my chin over her shoulder and I should have stayed there because when I was with her I was someplace better but I let go, why did I let go?

Has it all sank in or am I just at the tip of the iceberg?

You think you know but you have only the faintest idea.

What now? It's not depression, it's not happiness but it's more of a dissappointment in life itself. She's spoiled me, she showed me what it was like to be truly cared for.

To see you when I wake up, is a gift I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same, as I do, is a three-fold utopian dream
You do something to me
That I can't explain
So would I be out of line, If I said
I miss you
I see your picture, I smell your skin on, the empty pillow next to mine
You have only been gone ten days, but already I am wasting away
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know, that I care
And I miss you