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This is the first time I've opened up Smultron in ages. That means that I've not been writing or coding as of late. Weak.

Yesterday I encountered someone that I wasn't particularly fond of and she said, "Mmmmm this food is good." It was slightly annoying, yet I couldn't exactly pinpoint why.

Today I was with someone who I'm fairly comfortable with and she said, "Mmmmmm this is really tasty." And I found it earnest.

1.) It really got me thinking, that my reasons for doing and not doing and liking and not liking things don't really have a rational basis. I unconsciously come to a conclusion about someone ('like' or 'eh') and then I justify my conclusions with some kind of reasoning that could be easily rebuked or countered with an equally logical argument.

2.) Even though both people ended up saying the same thing, the situations aren't that related, considering this isn't a scientific experiment and I have no control variables or anything. Not only is there a huge context difference (past experiences with that person, the background of the actual situation), non-verbal communication plays a huge role as well. The inflection of the statement and the body language could change the meaning of the words in both situations considerably. On the other hand, this isn't a hard and fast rule because I could just be using this as a justification for my conclusions.

The only thing I can pull from this experience is that the mind is a very complex yet extremely limited organ. What's that saying about the brain being an excellent servant but a terrible master? This is probably related to that.

Chris is in the process of finding a replacement for himself in our apartment because he is planning on moving out by the time school starts. It is a fascinating situation. Chris has already signed the lease, so he has to either pay the rent or find someone else to pay the rent. He's brought a couple of people in to meet us, and we have the final say in the decision. If we like the new guy and the new guy chooses us as well, then Chris is free to go.

However, both of my other roommates are really particular and generally skeptical of any new person (we are using Craigslist since we didn't find anyone we knew to live with us). And since we have final say, if we don't like the new guy then we can tell Chris, "We aren't willing to live with that guy because he seems shady in the five minutes that he toured the place. I guess you'll have to stay."

Chris is an amazing roommate, very clean and considerate and not crazy. So what I find troubling about the matter is that not only are my other roommates very skeptical of new people, no ten minute walkthrough will convince them to say yes and choose the mysterious enigma over the Sure-Thing Good Roommate (Chris). Yet I'm compelled to help Chris in his search in any way that I can, even if it is detrimental to my own interests (such as if we find a replacement who doesn't live up to the standard Chris set, which is likely). Chris and I get along but we don't call each other up to hang out, so it's not because I'm afraid he'll be mad at me when I run into him. And really, I have no reason to do him a favor because he is the one who basically pulled the rug on us last minute and made our living situation much more complicated.

Yet I trust him because my interactions with him have been consistently reciprocal. He was always grateful when I helped him out, and he has helped me out all the time. So time has come for the last stand and I don't even feel hesitant to grant his wish and move out.

For once, a small sacrifice is aligned with my moral intuition and just feels right, and the non-zero-sum game theory of life comes back into the equation. Dope.

Kevin killed the kitten at 8:31 PM

God Bless America

I went to a Giants game with my parents and my mom's friend on the Fourth of July. It was gorgeous, breezy, and tiny Tim Lincecum was on the mound.

In the beginning of the game, my mom and her friend left to buy garlic fries. They were taking a long time because the garlic fries line was always really long, so my dad and I went to another booth to buy hot dogs and beer. My mom and her friend came back and my mom bought me chicken strips and a soda.

"Oh, I didn't know you were going to get drinks," she said.
"Well... I'll still drink the soda! Don't worry about it. Thanks," I replied sheepishly.

The way my parents perceive me was distilled in this simple event that I can't get out of my head. My dad sees me as this mature, proactive young adult with a useful mixture of technical and people skills. I feel less like a son and more like a friend or colleague, someone to bounce ideas off of and talk shop. But it's not the friend that you call when you don't know who to turn to, but the one that you sit next to at work when you're not on a call and inquire about what they're reading.

My mom sees me as this forgetful kid who makes the occasional bone headed decision and is easily satisfied with simple things like chicken, corned beef, or Sprite. And I know she loves me because I've done nothing to deserve everything that she's given me, as big as a trip to Hawaii and as small as a trip to Taco Bell when I was a little kid, yet here I am, twenty-one long years later, and she still wants to surprise me with a soda.

And when she came to me with the soda and I was holding the beer, I felt like I implied, "I don't need that stuff anymore Mom, I'm a beer drinker, I'm not that that kid anymore." But it's a sham. Although I do love beer, the point of the metaphor was that I am way more the person that my mom sees than the one my dad does. I am not some autonomous man who always uses his resoucefulness and initiative. Life is scary and I'm incapable of making even simple decisions.

It just seems painful to accept the soda because I don't deserve it. I have a very guilty conscience.

Kevin killed the kitten at 11:44 PM

Crazy is like being on the bus with Bryan without CD players. That shit is crazy.

2:21:16 AM bryanbrochill: heres a serious question
2:21:41 AM bryanbrochill: do you think that, given an endless amount of time, a monkey pounding on a keyboard would create romeo and juliet?
2:22:17 AM Kevin: endless: (adj.) infinity
2:22:17 AM Kevin: yes
2:22:32 AM bryanbrochill: i think that given a literal infinite amount of time it would still never happen
2:22:36 AM bryanbrochill: ever
2:22:44 AM bryanbrochill: time would go on infinitely and it would never happen
2:22:50 AM bryanbrochill: weird to comprehend
2:22:52 AM bryanbrochill: but i think so
2:23:09 AM Kevin: so its not possible for him to hit the keys exactly stroke for stroke to romeo and juliet?
2:23:12 AM bryanbrochill: right
2:23:15 AM bryanbrochill: i dont think so
2:23:16 AM Kevin: haha that sounds stupid to even ask
2:23:25 AM bryanbrochill: no its not
2:23:27 AM bryanbrochill: it would never happen
2:23:29 AM Kevin: but i disagree because of the word 'infinite'
2:23:29 AM bryanbrochill: ever
2:23:41 AM bryanbrochill: we have the same conception of the word infinite and we disagree
2:24:04 AM bryanbrochill: it would never, ever, ever happen
2:24:05 AM Kevin: is it possible
2:24:09 AM Kevin: for a monkey
2:24:19 AM Kevin: nevermind
2:24:29 AM Kevin: im thinking of it more abstractly
2:24:36 AM Kevin: your way makes sense
2:24:36 AM bryanbrochill: we are thinking of it the same way
2:24:37 AM Kevin: ill break it down
2:24:40 AM bryanbrochill: and we disagree
2:24:42 AM Kevin: the way I think of it was
2:24:45 AM Kevin: I thought of it was
2:25:09 AM Kevin: "If a random key generator was to generate a completely random key every second for infinity, would it eventually have a string equal to the play Romeo and Juliet?"
2:25:37 AM bryanbrochill: ok
2:25:39 AM Kevin: if it was a mokney
2:25:42 AM Kevin: he might hit two keys at once
2:25:45 AM bryanbrochill: is that the "wrong" way to think about it?
2:25:45 AM Kevin: which complicates things
2:25:48 AM bryanbrochill: hm
2:26:14 AM bryanbrochill: if a random key generator did it, it would, by the very essence of its existence, ultimately HAVE to do it
2:26:25 AM Kevin: yeah
2:26:35 AM bryanbrochill: because it could, through infinity, type out every single possible string of letters
2:26:40 AM bryanbrochill: thats a cheating cop out
2:26:43 AM Kevin: ?
2:26:47 AM Kevin: its a hypothetical question
2:26:51 AM Kevin: you definite your assumptions
2:26:56 AM Kevin: and come to a conclusion
2:27:09 AM Kevin: this is so far removed from the real world by the nature of the word 'endless'
2:27:11 AM bryanbrochill: its not a hypothetical at all. its a statement of fact based on what a random key generator is intrinsically
2:27:42 AM bryanbrochill: a random key generator WILL, no matter what, ultimately type out every single given string of letters if given enough time
2:27:52 AM bryanbrochill: no matter what
2:27:53 AM Kevin: how come a monkey cant do that
2:28:04 AM Kevin: wait
2:28:14 AM Kevin: i didnt definite random key generator
2:28:20 AM bryanbrochill: you dont have to
2:28:22 AM Kevin: no i do
2:28:24 AM bryanbrochill: a random key generator is what it is
2:28:48 AM Kevin: every punctuation and lower and upper case letter and space and number (in english) is accounted
2:28:50 AM Kevin: its about 120 characters
2:28:57 AM bryanbrochill: yes
2:29:02 AM Kevin: a random key generator is, for the next key, there is an EQUAL chance that ANY character can be chosen
2:29:13 AM Kevin: including the previous key
2:29:16 AM bryanbrochill: yea, but after it has done a combination it wont do it again
2:29:19 AM Kevin: nope
2:29:22 AM Kevin: it can
2:29:25 AM bryanbrochill: ok then
2:29:27 AM bryanbrochill: in that case
2:29:28 AM Kevin: it can do aaaaaaaaaaaaa
2:29:33 AM bryanbrochill: your version of the rkg will never do it
2:29:35 AM Kevin: it doesnt have to do acdbef
2:29:51 AM bryanbrochill: the version that will not repeat a previous combination will
2:29:53 AM bryanbrochill: if given enough time
2:30:07 AM Kevin: that version is not a RKG
2:30:16 AM bryanbrochill: ok youre right
2:30:27 AM Kevin: ok
2:30:29 AM Kevin: think about it this way
2:30:31 AM Kevin: im not twisting it
2:30:33 AM Kevin: just elaborating
2:30:42 AM Kevin: the first letter in romeo and juliet is 'A'
2:30:50 AM Kevin: the chance of 'A' is 1 out of 120
2:30:56 AM Kevin: the second letter is ' ' also known as space
2:31:00 AM Kevin: the chance of ' ' is 1 out of 120
2:31:30 AM Kevin: the chance of getting both those characters right in a row is 1 out of 14400
2:31:39 AM bryanbrochill: based on that definition of an RKG, the mathematical probability of romeo and juliet being produced is an impossibility
2:31:44 AM Kevin: nope
2:31:46 AM bryanbrochill: yes
2:31:49 AM bryanbrochill: impossible
2:31:52 AM bryanbrochill: mathematically speaking
2:31:58 AM Kevin: ok you're stepping on my terrain now
2:32:03 AM Kevin: its on like DK homeboy
2:32:09 AM Kevin: there is very simple right and wrongs in pure math
2:32:24 AM bryanbrochill: ok so do something for me then
2:32:34 AM Kevin: romeo and juliet
2:32:34 AM Kevin: has
2:32:36 AM Kevin: say
2:32:38 AM bryanbrochill: pretend there are only 1000 characters in randJ
2:32:40 AM Kevin: 500,000 characters
2:32:42 AM bryanbrochill: lol
2:32:43 AM bryanbrochill: yea
2:32:47 AM bryanbrochill: do the calcuations for 500000
2:32:47 AM Kevin: thats a lot of characters
2:32:52 AM Kevin: the chance of getting
2:32:55 AM Kevin: ALL of htose RIGHT
2:32:56 AM Kevin: in a ROW
2:32:56 AM bryanbrochill: based on the numbers you just came up with
2:33:01 AM Kevin: is
2:33:07 AM bryanbrochill: is a mathematical impssibility
2:33:18 AM Kevin: 1 out of 120^50000
2:33:29 AM Kevin: 120^50000 is NOT an infinite number
2:33:34 AM bryanbrochill: it is impossible
2:33:35 AM bryanbrochill: lol
2:33:38 AM bryanbrochill: cmon
2:33:42 AM Kevin: do you know what impossible means?
2:33:44 AM bryanbrochill: yes
2:33:44 AM bryanbrochill: i do
2:33:46 AM Kevin: its unreasonable yeah
2:33:48 AM bryanbrochill: o
2:33:49 AM bryanbrochill: no
2:33:51 AM Kevin: improbable
2:33:55 AM bryanbrochill: impossible
2:33:59 AM Kevin: impossible means
2:34:02 AM Kevin: there is no possibility
2:34:09 AM Kevin: meaning there is 0 chance
2:34:15 AM Kevin: there is actually
2:34:16 AM Kevin: 1 chance
2:34:26 AM Kevin: out of 120^50000
2:34:30 AM bryanbrochill: do the actual calulations
2:34:39 AM bryanbrochill: lol how many characters are there in romeo and juliet?
2:34:44 AM Kevin: thats not the point
2:34:44 AM bryanbrochill: the point is
2:34:45 AM Kevin: the point is
2:34:48 AM Kevin: romeo and juliet terminates
2:34:55 AM Kevin: it is a limited string of characters
2:34:57 AM Kevin: if you give a computer
2:34:59 AM Kevin: UNLIMITED TRIES
2:35:07 AM Kevin: for ALL ETERNITY
2:35:11 AM Kevin: it HAS a chance
2:35:15 AM bryanbrochill: hm
2:35:20 AM Kevin: if you give it one roll of the die and you asked me to put money on it?
2:35:25 AM Kevin: haha you kiddin me? of course its not going to hit
2:35:47 AM bryanbrochill: if you want to be overly technical to the point of me basically admitting something i dont believe would ever, ever, ever, ever, ever be true
2:35:53 AM bryanbrochill: sure
2:35:58 AM Kevin: if you gave the eternal monkey unlimited rolls of the die for all eternity? he has a chance of hitting
2:36:06 AM bryanbrochill: i think that those odds are still considered mathematically impossible
2:36:06 AM Kevin: its not overly technical
2:36:11 AM bryanbrochill: yes it is
2:36:20 AM bryanbrochill: because we both know in our heart of hearts it would never happen
2:36:22 AM Kevin: wait
2:36:28 AM Kevin: say
2:36:29 AM Kevin: you gave me
2:36:34 AM Kevin: twenty million years
2:36:38 AM Kevin: to roll this dice
2:36:48 AM Kevin: and i only have a 1 out of 120^50000 chance of getting the right combination
2:36:54 AM Kevin: and i got to roll like
2:36:56 AM Kevin: 50 times a second
2:37:04 AM Kevin: i'd say it'd never ever happen
2:37:06 AM bryanbrochill: lol
2:37:06 AM Kevin: theres no way it would happen
2:37:18 AM bryanbrochill: youd say that?
2:37:21 AM Kevin: yup
2:37:23 AM bryanbrochill: ok then
2:37:29 AM Kevin: if you gave me infinity years
2:37:29 AM bryanbrochill: what are we in disagreement on?
2:37:33 AM Kevin: i'd put all my money on it
2:37:39 AM Kevin: trust me on this one
2:37:42 AM bryanbrochill: but weve never had infinity years
2:37:49 AM Kevin: ? you said endless in the question?
2:37:49 AM bryanbrochill: infinity has never come into the equation in real life
2:38:05 AM bryanbrochill: in the real world, infinity has never existed
2:38:14 AM Kevin: the first thing I clarified with you
2:38:19 AM Kevin: before this discussion
2:38:23 AM Kevin: is that endless is and adjective for infinity
2:38:31 AM bryanbrochill: yea it is
2:38:40 AM bryanbrochill: in that completely theoretical scenario
2:38:49 AM bryanbrochill: now we're coming out of that nonsense
2:38:57 AM bryanbrochill: and looking at the real world
2:39:00 AM bryanbrochill: where infinity doesnt exist
2:39:03 AM Kevin: ok we agree
2:39:09 AM bryanbrochill: and never has, especially in terms of allowing time for something to happen
2:39:29 AM Kevin: no such thing as infinity
2:39:33 AM bryanbrochill: in our conception of existence (space, time, etc.)
2:39:42 AM bryanbrochill: well there may be SUCH THING
2:39:46 AM bryanbrochill: it has just never happened
2:40:05 AM Kevin: you're adding all these disclaimers after the fact though
2:40:13 AM bryanbrochill: there may be such thing as a blue giraffe
2:40:16 AM bryanbrochill: it has just never happened
2:40:17 AM Kevin: i just wasted a bunch of pointless explanation
2:40:22 AM bryanbrochill: lol
2:40:24 AM bryanbrochill: it wasnt pointless
2:40:30 AM bryanbrochill: it just happens to not have relevance to real life
2:40:30 AM Kevin: it was pretty pointless
2:40:46 AM Kevin: i was making a case for a situation that you didn't propose
2:40:46 AM bryanbrochill: its not applicable to our situation
2:40:49 AM bryanbrochill: that was my fault
2:40:54 AM bryanbrochill: right
2:40:54 AM bryanbrochill: yea
2:41:00 AM bryanbrochill: ok so forgetting that
2:41:01 AM Kevin: how is that not pointless
2:41:05 AM Kevin: we already agree
2:41:16 AM Kevin: give a monkey 20 million years to bash a keyboard and he'll never type romeo and juliet
2:41:20 AM bryanbrochill: it had a point in the fact that it can be used to consider a different situations
2:41:34 AM bryanbrochill: just not this situation
2:41:35 AM bryanbrochill: yea
2:41:37 AM bryanbrochill: he never will
2:41:54 AM Kevin: anyway

This kind of shit went on for like three hours

Kevin killed the kitten at 3:26 AM

I Don't Know

More references to these damn pesky eternal truths.

"I was going to write this piece about what I've learned in the past year, but that is a book not a blog post. I doubt I could even fit what I've learned in the past month into 10,000 words. It's crazy how much you can learn when you stop thinking you know everything, when you finally abandon whatever pre-conceived notions you have about how the world works, and instead of fitting facts into theories, you start to form theories around facts, constantly challenge them with new facts, and change them as facts change. When you recognize that what you don't know is vastly greater than what you do. When you realize you don't know anything.

I read The Apology my freshman year of college, and I thought I understood it. I thought I got Socrates' point that only by admitting fallibility and lack of knowledge can you really understand anything. And of course I read Nassim Taleb's books, Fooled By Randomness and The Black Swan, and I thought I got his points about uncertainty and risk governing our lives.

Well, maybe I got it in an intellectual sense, but definitely NOT in a real, visceral sense. I mean come on--no one on earth was more arrogant than me in my twenties. I thought I had learned that lesson by the time I published my book, but I don't think I really learned the humility that comes with understanding your place in the universe in any true way until this past year. The events of this past year (making a movie, falling in love, starting counseling, etc, etc) burned a lesson into me I will always hold in the front of my mind:

No matter how smart or right you think you are, never forget: What you don't know is infinitely greater than what you do.

And that IS one to grow on, motherfucker." - Tucker Max, May 26th, 2009

Kevin killed the kitten at 2:49 AM

rancidpunker19

Kevin killed the kitten at 1:30 AM

Stog Break Revelations

I remember what it was now. I have a hard time perservering [Ed: Firefox tells me this is spelled incorrectly] through difficulties. (Captain Obvious self-evident thought of the day). The main thing that gets me through it is knowing that what I'm doing is RIGHT, even if it's hard. Sometimes I just want to give up on something if it's hard because I question whether I should be doing it in the first place.

The only two things that I've found to be RIGHT in my life are my relationships with Hannah and Kela. And thus we approach yet another paradox; these are simultaneously the most difficult relationships and the easiest to keep. Difficult because they are the most consistent source of dispute, and unbelievably easy because they're the only ones I will never give up on. I never feel sure about what I'm doing at any given moment, but I feel comfortably committed to these two people.

The feeling that something is RIGHT transcends easy or hard or sad or fun or happy. I say this NOT because I THINK what's right SHOULD transcend everything else but because (in my heart) it just DOES. I didn't choose it; it's a natural hierarchy.

This is starting to get confusing. I hope I can understand it in the future. Last two thoughts:

I suck at being supportive.

I've gotten better at this but I still always say things at the wrong time and get frustrated easier than I should. I am naturally uncompassionate. Doesn't mean I am going to accept it. Being a supportive friend is a lifelong learning process. I guess everything is, but this is especially relevant in my life right now.

Nevertheless, I am not a necessary source of support.

This can actually be explained logically. If I was a necessary source of support for anything, then the system will eventually break down because I am human and by (my, or maybe God's) definition fallible. That means that I'm never and cannot be perfectly reliable. Doesn't let me off the hook. This kind of sounds like an excuse/justification to fuck up. Hrm.

poopsicles

Kevin killed the kitten at 1:15 AM

Time Travelling and Shit

Future post(s) will revolve something around the nature of friendship and some other stuff. Conditional/Unconditional, the meaning of fights, and some other shit. Some kind of personal examples revolving around how I suck or have sucked as a friend. I don't have time right now though.

Kevin killed the kitten at 11:33 PM

The Bi-Monthly Deuce

The CEC Concerts pseudo-retreat to UCSB's Extravangza 2009 was hectic. It was very last second and lots of stuff went wrong. But, like every trip to Santa Barbara, everything worked out like it always does.

It started on Saturday when I went to Ralph's to grab some things before I picked up my passengers. First, I didn't want to get cash back because I didn't want to put my groceries on my debit card, and wanted to use the ATM on the way out but I forgot. So I had to come back into the store from the parking lot to get that $crilla. Then I forgot that I needed cigarettes so I went back in to do that and was finally about to leave when I realized that I couldn't find my parking validation. Time was already kind of tight at this point.

All of that seems pretty small but things like that kept happening all day and it was definitely a struggle at times.

The Films director, Megan Lee, was attending the concert and could take two people with her, so she took Hannah and her boyfriend Grant to SB around 2pm. I was taking a current staffer Charles Ma and two fresh hires Katie and Este. It was a really good opporunity for all three because Charles had been pretty shy all year so I was glad he was completely stoked to go and bond with the current and new staff.

The drive was relatively quick and painless, minus having to slam the brakes once when traffic suddenly choked. I think I gave everyone a pretty gnarly whiplash, but thankfully no actual injuries.

We called Hannah when we're almost in Goleta (where UCSB's campus actually is, which is the town after Santa Barbara itself), and she said that she's already checked into the hotel and that they were going to Kahuna Grill. We agreed to meet them there, but when we got there we didn't see them. I called them back and they're like, "Yeah we're here where are you?" Turns out they were in the one in Santa Barbara and we were in the one in Goleta. FML. Hannah was like, "Hold on I'll call you back." We kind of just stood around awkwardly for a little while and I eventually called her back because we needed to figure out some kind of plan. When I called her she replied with something like, "No you were wrong I told you guys we were going south on the 101 so we're at the right one..." But I was totally confused becauase it definitely wasn't situation in which we're trying to figure out what the 'correct' answer is, it was just total miscommunication. I think she was frustrated because it sounded like the people in her car were giving her a hard time and saying she led them to the wrong one. So I just proposed we eat wherever we were right now and then to meet up at the hotel, preparty, then head over to the venue via cab.

So we finished eating and I thought, "Man, we are like right next to the campus right now and Megan is driving directly to the show. We should just go to campus from here, meet up in IV, preparty somewhere in IV, then walk over to the show. By the end of the show I'll be sober because it's like five hours long, and I can just drive people back to the hotel after the show."

I called Hannah and told her the new plan and she said, "Wait what? Then what was the point of booking the hotel if you're just going to be sober after the show and be able to drive all of us back?" I just thought it was a good idea based on the current situation because if we had to meet up at the hotel, preparty there, then wait for a cab to take us to the venue we'd lose a lot more time and the clock was ticking at this point. She sounded frustrated.

She was also concerned that we wouldn't be able to preparty before the show based on the new plan and that, if I did what I proposed, I'd screw up everything we'd already set up.

I was speechless because I just didn't have an answer for her. I thought it was a really good idea but instead I was getting burned at the stake for it. She was pretty angry. I needed to come up with an idea.

I told her that my sister is likely prepartying in IV and that we can just meet up with them and then head over. So I tell her I'm going to call her back. I first call my sister and she said they were hanging out downtown then going straight to the show. FML. Our other staffer Gabe was already in IV with some people and I called him and asked him if he knew of anything going on in IV before the show. He said he knew some people living in IV but he wasn't too close with them, but he'd call them nonetheless. So I nervously waited for him to call me back because I was currently leaving Hannah and the rest of the other car hanging. He finally calls back empty handed, so that completely burst my idea (the prepartying was an essential part of this trip). I had to call Hannah back to say we're going back to Plan A (we all meet up at the hotel). But I was scared that she was going to tear me a new one when I say that everything in the last half hour was completely irrelevant because she already sounded hella frustrated at me.

So Charles, the new hires Katie and Este, and I were sitting around the table and I was like, "Fuck... I'm going to call Hannah back right now and she's going to kill me." Katie said, "Haha, is that how she is?" And I realized that that was a horrible thing to say because Katie and Este have spent zero time with Hannah other than the interview and I was giving them a crappy first impression. "Heh, I guess," I replied, "but that's why we love her." I'm not exactly sure if that defused their perception but at least I tried. It thizz what it thizz, yadidamean?

Then I did my worst Peter Schiff impersonation when my prediction blew up in my face. Instead of releasing the crocodiles on me she was all smiles. "Back to Plan A." "You sure?" "100%. Hotel, Cab, Show. Let's do this." "Cool, dude. We'll meet you there."

I could go on and on with all the things that went wrong. We didn't have any more booze when we got back to the hotel because I didn't buy enough originally and Este was planning on sneaking some of it in but tossed it at the last second, we missed the entire Cool Kids and Cold War Kids sets, we made a crucial wrong turn to buy booze from the grocery store and missed the last call, Megan was supposed to take two people back after the show but spontaneously decided to crash in IV, I was being my usual fidgety self while asleep and kept accidentally waking Hannah (and possibly others) up, Asher fucking Roth was their 'surprise' guest *complete buzzkill* etc. etc.

All parties involved had some kind of setback throughout the night, it was pretty bad. Definitely a consistent stream that I've never experienced before.

But in the end, it was all about GIRLTALKGIRLTALKGIRLTALK holding it down. I haven't been drenched in that many people's sweat since Justice @ HARD Halloween. The energy was incredible.

And even though all we had for six people was 40oz of Mickey's, a bottle of wine, and two beers, our hotel was fun in a tween slumber party kind of way. And even if we had to pack like sardines for some poor sleep, we all had rides home the next morning and made it back in one piece.

The evangelicals' answer to, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" is sometimes, "Keep your heart open and God will reveal Himself to you."

God damn evangelicals are so fucking cryptic sometimes. Reciting doctrine don't mean shit holmes. Also, what the fuck does the previous paragraph have to do with anything?

Although the weekend isn't exactly a shining example because based on the information presented it doesn't sound like we had any REAL problems** (how dare you say that my frustrations are any lesser than yours! hehe), the details aren't the point. Check it: we designed a very reasonable plan and encountered bump after annoying bump along the way. The end result (missing Cold War Kids, flaked rides, etc.) was not the plan at all. In fact, it wasn't on Plan B, Plan C, or Plan F either. The eventual path we traversed wasn't even on the blueprint, it wasn't even a passing thought, but when I really thought about it, every little piece, good and bad, came together and, like I said about SB trips in general, was packaged neatly with a bow in the end.

Like pretty much every single thing that happens ever, that's life. I envision how I want my life to be or how I want the weekend to go or how my classes are going to be designed or how dinner with that hipster girl is going to play out and then I haul ass and it blows up in my face and I'm at a point that I never thought I'd be. And it's horribly imperfect yet surprisingly gorgeous. (I think that's what annoys me when I subconsciously think someone is so perfect; it's because no one is, and I get skeptical because my perception of him or her is fake and a projection of something I think I need in my life. Then I get to really know the person and they're nothing like that but way cooler [because not only are we defined by our flaws, maybe we should be embraced for them.])

Moral of this story: POOPSICLES!

Kevin killed the kitten at 10:10 PM

You Live And/Or You Learn

To learn is to live. This includes, but is not limited to, the formal education system.

What I learned today: I learned that I'm learning without even noticing or remembering that I'm learning. Maybe memory isn't necessarily tied to knowledge, if it becomes second nature or automatic or simply 'true'.

Last night, Joanne and some peers from Campus Events put up sign boards around the school for SERVE, which is a coalition consisting of Campus Events Commission, Student Welfare Commission, and Community Service Commission. It was basically created because one of the political parties at UCLA is planning on severely cutting back these three commissions in order to expand their own agendas, should they win this week's USAC elections.

Joanne encouraged everyone who was available to come and help out. I didn't, and I didn't have any good reason not to either (not that it matters, obviously). Ed: I mean, not that it matters what my 'reason' for not going is

Hannah called me today and said, "Joanne is pissed at us." (Hannah did not help out with the sign boards as well.) I replied, "Ah shit... well, that's understandable." Fuck, I knew she wanted help and yet I've nothing to say but that I was twiddling my thumbs in my own little bubble, not really caring or thinking about other people.

So Hannah said, "Well this sucks, the reason I didn't go was because Grant and I got into a fight and Joanne sent out a mass text so I just assumed that other people were going to go and help out and I just wanted to go party because I've been sick for the past three weeks and I'm finally better and just had a shitty day etc.

"I should apologize. Maybe I'll send her an e-mail like 'I'm sorry about last night, but etc."

I told her that there was something off about her apology. And it comes down again to excuses, disclaimers, whatever. Imagine feeling slighted by your friends, and subsequently feeling hurt. Then you tell them that you're hurt, and they say, "I'm sorry! This and that happened and then all this other stuff and I was swamped etc," would that really help? There's not really a point to that apology, because we have reasons for doing and not doing anything, even if that reason might be something stupid like bored/lazy/careless.

What kind of message are we really getting across by giving our legitimate (or at least in our own minds, legitimized) reasons for acting wrongly? "I'm sorry, actually I'm not that sorry because I just don't want you to be mad at me and I actually don't really care about you that much and things that are important to you."

It's not really that blunt or explicit but one can get the general gist.

I think I read somewhere that a sincere apology has three pieces to it. I think it was a sports article by Peter King. Anyway, I'll just try pulling it out of my ass:

1.) "I'm sorry." Acknowledge her emotional state, try to sympathize and understand that she's bummed about the situation. She is angry and sad, so something is wrong.
2.) "I should have been out there with you." Admit fault. Apparently in ApologyLand, right and wrong do exist, where 'right == being out there with her' and 'wrong == not being out there with her'. If the consequences of 'right' are having a helping hand and showing acts of friendship, and 'wrong' consists of one person working extra hard and feeling bummed, then utilitarianism is appropriate here. Way to go J.S. Mill you get a cookie.
3.) "I'll definitely be out there next time." Making something positive out of the dilemma? Learning from our mistakes? I mean, the whole point of an apology is because we're trying to reduce the amount of bad things and increase the amount of good things done, so if you think you're going to act the same or not even make a conscious effort to prevent this same situation from happening again, might as well not apologize.

And once again, it truly comes down to the meaning of friendship and what a meaningful relationship is. It's not just having the same goals or passions or hobbies, but that if you care about someone as a person then you care about everything in their life and not just what directly affects you, especially that which they hold most important.

Joanne was hurt because she had expectations from us as both colleagues and friends, and actions always speak louder than words. By not caring about what is important to her, I'm also saying that I don't care about her that much either. I believe this is true because if it wasn't then she wouldn't be particularly mad.

I should've put my time in, but I didn't. So it goes.

Summary (a.k.a why I learned I learned something without realizing that I learned something):
1.) I didn't know any of this when I was a senior in high school
2.) I still have a fucking ridiculous amount of learning to do, that I'll never perfect being able to be a giving and loving person, but at least I can try (because I can see firsthand how its better)
3.) If you can't ever know everything, then what's the point in learning? What a conundrum.
4.) "The more I know, the more I know I don't know shit." - stupid vagin ogawa, plus its his 21st birthday fucking fagbot
8.) k bye (fucking fagbot)

"Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge." -- Mark Twain

Kevin killed the kitten at 8:51 PM

The Rents

I love my parents. I get to see them on Saturday! My mom is pretty quiet. She's the most loving person I know. I want to be as generous as her someday. I should talk to her more, even though she's pretty quiet. I bet it's because she's daydreaming or contemplating obscure hypothetical moral dilemmas, because I had to have inherited that trait from someone, and it definitely isn't from my dad.

My dad doesn't really follow music, but sometimes he'll hear a random song (either from the radio or something that my sister or I played on the stereo), learn the basic chords for it, and play it constantly for the next few months.

Right now it's "Love Remains the Same" by Gavin Rossdale (2008)

http://www.last.fm/music/Gavin+Rossdale/_/Love+Remains+the+Same

His previous favorites--

"Green Eyes" by Coldplay (2002)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbAZiVRG6h0

"Take Off Your Cool (feat. Norah Jones)" by Outkast (2003)

http://www.last.fm/music/OutKast/_/Take+Off+Your+Cool+(feat.+Norah+Jones)

"You've Got Her in Your Pocket" by the White Stripes (2003)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz90QvjL0Fo

The song that I was listening to that initiated this entire post was a song that I wasn't even sure he used to play, but just seemed exactly like a song he would be obsessed with.

"Dust in the Wind" by Kansas (1977)

http://www.last.fm/music/Kansas/_/Dust+in+the+Wind

Kevin killed the kitten at 1:12 AM

It's My Deuce in a Box

I saw this girl driving a Mercedes S-Class in Westwood today. Blonde hair, odd looking tan, dry cleaning in the back, boy riding shotgun, the works. Could've been in high school.

The look on my face could've broken several mirrors. I wondered if she'd ever worked a day in her life, if she was grateful for anything she's ever received, if she threw tantrums when Daddy didn't give her what she wanted.

Privileged low life incubated in private high schools, whose biggest problem is what that bitch Sally said behind her back yesterday, I thought. Fuck all bitches.

/* Okay, it wasn't exactly that biting but the rhetoric is for the sake of the overall 'moral' so bear with me hehe [= */

It kinda made me think of the fairness of life and 'why am I the way I am' physically and personality wise.

I thought about another hypothetical situation: What if I wished to be tall dark and handsome, with a bottomless trust fund and the world at my mercy? And my wish was actually granted? Would I travel the world stopping genocide and picking up cigarette butts?

Haha yeah fucking right. If I had my way with the world I would be fucking hella bitches with no jimmy hats on and nutting in them and getting them fucking pregnant and having an illegitimate army of baby Kevins (yes, they would all be named Kevin, no numbering system or different last names either). Spending hella money on exclusive hats without even waiting in line and buying HELLA drugs and shit. Doing HELLA expensive shit like getting hand massages just cause I can and I have nothing better to do. Paying bums to beat each other up. Making it rain.

But I digress. I'm privileged as hell, and I also feel guilty as hell for it. But my life is also far, far from 'perfect'. "If only..." If only what? If only I was tall dark and handsome instead of short ashy and nondescript? If only I was a genius instead of a lazy fuck up? If only I had everything I wanted?

If I was tall dark and handsome and had my pick of the litter I would be the shallowest person on Earth. I wouldn't consider personality at all because, hey, I wouldn't have to. My baser instincts would take over.

If I was a perfect, accomplished genius with tons of published papers and things to my name, I would also be quite uncompassionate because I would see everyone else and think, "What the fuck? Why can't you be like me and be hella accomplished you bums? You are all ruining my life. I can do it, why can't you?" My actual struggle also feeds my ability to empathize, which I personally hold in higher regard.

The list goes on. The moral of the story is that the imperfections in my life that seemingly are the bane of my existence are also essential to my existence as me, uniquely me and no one else. There's no telling what I'd be like if I didn't have them or never had them or was able to magick them into something else, and if you gave me a million good things to come of it, I could come up with a million bad ones. It is what it is. The girl in the Benz and I are no different, we just rolled different characters at birth. Real talk niggas.

Kevin killed the kitten at 8:07 PM

Deuce in my Pants v.12.4.69.4.6ix.1337

Yesterday at work this exasperated girl came into our office with her laptop and said, "I called earlier. My VPN doesn't work. I'm on Vista 64-Bit Edition. I need to watch these videos online for a class and I live off campus."

Okay... I first have her recreate the problem. She tries to log in using her username and password and it just hangs there. No error. She said she already tried disabling Windows Firewall and deleting and re-adding the PPTP connection. We can't use the Cisco VPN Client because it doesn't work on 64-bit versions of Windows.

I was baffled pretty quickly because PPTP rarely encounters problems because it's so simple to set up. I automatically jumped to assume that Vista was just being it's wonky crazy self.

I asked the guy who talked to her on the phone if he had any ideas on what to do, and then I asked around the office to see if they had any suggestions on what to try based on what we already attempted.

She had this grating inflection in her voice that was screaming, "What the fuck, Bruin Online? You provide this service to connect to the intranet off-campus and it doesn't even work? And you can't fix it? Your system is fucking retarded and needs to be upgraded or made more reliable." Basically she was accusing us of an unreliable connection.

I looked her up in our database and she's a freshman, and she mentioned that she had Ubuntu Linux also installed on her laptop, and we learn she's a CS major.

So my homie Tony and I are looking at it and trying to look up some fixes for it, and he realized that she fucking HAD A THIRD PARTY SECURITY SUITE ON AND RUNNING (Trend Micro Internet Security). Tony's all, "Dude, seriously? How did you miss this?"

Oh god I am an idiot. Checking for programs running in the background (in the lower-right tray) is protocol. That is like less than no-brainer that I missed.

But whatever, she missed it too and she was a CS major and was the one berating us for our services so fuck her. She was an annoying bitch anyways.

Kevin killed the kitten at 7:36 PM

I Have to Take Teh Deuce Because I had a Cream Cheese Sandwich for Dinner

Happy Birthday Cheeseball
and Abe Lincoln

Kevin killed the kitten at 7:21 PM

Stog-Related Deuce, Double Deuce 2000 Edition

A few months ago I was talking to my homies James and Alex, and I was having a cigarette. The topic of light cigarettes came up, and what constitutes a light cigarette. James said the difference between light cigarettes and normal ones were these tiny air holes around the filter that let out some of the air so that the drags aren't as harsh. Alex and I said that light cigarettes differ from normal ones because the shredded tobacco is aerated by some process so that the tobacco packed into the cigarette isn't as dense.

Who was right? Turns out we both were. But at the time, it was like, "No, that can't be right, because I'm right. Duh. Case closed."

Also a few months ago (and I think this happened in the same week actually), Cady and I were going to George's apartment. We got to the front of the building and I suggested going to the right side and she said that the door was on the left side of the building. Sounds diplomatic enough, but in reality these situations tend to go, "The entrance is on the right--" "No it's not its on the left." "Oh..."

So we went to the left and up the stairs and we entered... through the back door. The front door was on the other side. We were both right.

The moral of THIS story is that if you think you're right, that doesn't necessarily mean the other person's wrong. AGAIN, at the specific point in time we're missing some crucial information. In fact, we both could've been wrong. I'm going to try to take this particular moral to heart because I always think I'm right because my memory seems so vivid when I recall it... haha what a fucking joke.

Kevin killed the kitten at 7:19 PM

I get Loose When I Take My Deuce

I watch a lot of House. It's incredibly formulaic, but that's not the point of the show.

In the first few seasons of the show, House worked with a team of three doctors in order to diagnose patients. The three doctors were Foreman (the intelligent, sometimes cold black doctor), Cameron (the girl doctor with an incredibly rigid moral compass), and Chase (Australian doctor from a wealthy background who's known as a suck up even though he isn't really).

In the second season, Foreman wrote a paper about one of their cases, and it was published and mildly successful in the medical world. Cameron cried plagiarism, because she said that she was writing a paper about the same case, and that not only did Foreman KNOW she was writing about that case but he took her ideas and submitted it before hers was approved.

Foreman didn't apologize, basically saying, "I gotta get mine, homie (CUZ HES BLACK)" and Cameron was in a huff. Eventually she came around and apologized for being so hard on him about it. She asked him if they could still be friends.

"We're not friends. In ten years, when we're doing our own thing and we run into each other at a conference or event, I'm not going to be all happy and smiles just to see you. We're colleagues, we work together."

Cameron was speechless. Fuck all bitches. Game over negro YOU JUST MADE MY SHIT LIST (the permanent one this time).

A few weeks after this happened, the team was trying to solve a case involving a crooked cop who came down with an unknown deadly disease. Foreman went to the cop's house to look for any clues, and a few days after coming back from the home Foreman came down with the same disease as the cop. Everyone was freaking the fuck out, because the cop was about to fucking drop dead, was in complete pain, and they had no idea what was wrong with him.

House forbade anyone to enter the cop's home, for obvious reasons. Cameron, surprisingly, berated House and told him that he's being too cautious, and if this were any other patient they would've pulled out all the stops in order to figure out what was wrong with him. She said she was willing to risk her life to go into the apartment, and House still refused. He didn't want to potentially lose two doctors instead of one.

So Cameron went to Foreman and they were talking about possible treatments, but they were all just shots in the dark. Foreman then asked if anyone's been back to the apartment since he went in, and she said no. He then freaked the fuck out and said, "No one went?? AND I'M DYING?? Fuck you and you and you. You are not cool either."

Cameron didn't tell him that the only reason she didn't go in to risk her life was because House wouldn't let her. She had NO reason to do it, Chase or House could've done it, she owed him absolutely nothing. Yet she was still willing to put it all on the line for him. And he didn't even know.

I guess the moral of the story is the same as the last. Before we cry out, "Fuck all yall you ungrateful selfish pricks. You all suck and left me for dead," know that there might be, and probably are, people out there who are trying to give you everything, but you don't even know. We don't know everything everyone's ever said to anyone, so we'll never know the whole story. Foreman didn't, because if he knew Cameron was willing to risk her life for him (which she eventually did by going back to the place in the episode), he would've at least been a little bit nicer about it.

Sometimes you just have to have faith in what you don't know. Take that how you want; it isn't necessarily Christian.

Kevin killed the kitten at 6:59 PM

Stog-Related Deuce, Part One

I was having a cigarette after class on the steps of Ackerman. A guy holding a large camera bag, along with some film-related instruments, and a young lady came up to me, and the man asked to bum a stog. I obliged, and we talked for a little bit. He told me that they were hired by UCLA to film a short documentary about the merits of living and studying in Westwood, intended for student-athletes.

Another guy came up during our conversation and asked us if we could spare a cigarette. I offered it to him on one condition: the next time someone asks to bum one from him, he'd have to oblige, even if it was his last.

Then he told me that I looked familiar and I remembered that he was in one of my labs over the summer. He said I'd already bummed one from him way back when, and he distinctly remembered because I dropped it in a puddle.

How appropriate. I'm the one asking others to pay it forward, when really I should be the one paying! Well, I guess I am paying.

The moral of the story is that there's tons of favors I've willingly accepted throughout my life, and many that I've long forgotten. So I guess it is good to try to be generous in general (erm, I guess that's self-evident without this pointless anecdote), but hey, you might be returning a favor without even knowing it.

Kevin killed the kitten at 6:23 PM

Funny Ass-Shit that I read on Someone's Facebook

"As we learn who dinosaurs really are, we can better
understand who WE really are" - Dinosaurs GE

Kevin killed the kitten at 10:26 AM

"Thus they must have been in my mind even before I learned them, though they were not in my memory. Then where were they, or how did it come that when I heard them spoken I recognised them and said, "it is so, it is true," unless they were in my memory already, but so far back, thrust away as it were in such remote recesses, that unless they had been drawn forth by some other man's teachings, I might perhaps never have managed to think of them at all?"

What up memory; I am truth bitches.
Its in the air And its all around Can you feel me now?

meow killed the kitten at 4:05 PM

The Daily Deuce

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."
- Martin Luther King Jr.

Real talk.

Kevin killed the kitten at 9:14 PM

I need to take a Fat Deuce

...because it's been a while.

The Purpose-Driven Life is still not ringing any bells. I watched Warren's TED talk, followed by Dan Dennett's response, and I definitely felt much more aligned with Dennett's perspective. Warren and I simply don't really see eye to eye, for whatever reason.

What I really need to do is to find out what drove the ideas behind Christianity so close to home for me. I wonder how I've wandered through the summaries and Wiki pages of assorted philosophers who came up with clever theories that were fun to talk about but nothing more, before stumbling upon Christianity and having alarms go off.

Maybe Christianity has grown substantially over generations because it pushed just the right buttons, an evolutionary psychology that seems entirely reasonable.

Maybe it did because even if we have no evidence that any of it actually happened, it laid out a complex idea of a perfect love, one that we wish we received or learned from our parents or our friends or lovers. I've seen glimpses of it in my parents, who are so accomodating and never kicked me when I was down (even when we all knew I deserved it). But they've also been distant at times, and our lines of communication are far from ideal.

Virtually all religions and moral codes circle around the Golden Rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. Note that it doesn't say how you are ACTUALLY treated. And so eventually I might feel belittled, or shamed, or humiliated, but that it gives me no right to respond back in that way.

I want to be treated with compassion and respect. And I walk by a sign on the way to class that says, "Religion is for the weak", and am reminded that sometimes I will not be treated with either of these. "Why can't you just find solace and joy in science and curiosity and secular humanism?" "Why do you need the Bible to tell you what to do?" "Why is Christianity so important to you? Haven't you noticed that it has become irrelevant for at least the past hundred years, especially with advancements in neuroscience?"

Even if the sign is just used to start intelligent conversation, it has some basis for the opposition, even if its not that harsh and straightfoward.

I need to now find how the Bible fits within the context of my life and what I've learned and what we know based on current scientific research. Warren's interpretation seems almost useless because he takes almost none of this into account.

I want to be steered away from the sentiment of "Get over it, it's not that hard", "You're being annoying", "Why are you so selfish?", "You're wrong" and more in tuned with "I love you no matter what. What's important to you is important to me."

I read an editorial by a gay woman that mentioned Prop 8 protesters who stormed gates of the Los Angeles Mormon Church and yelled obscenities to the people who walked in and out. She said that they cannot fight for equality by falling to the same tactics that made them feel marginalized. Stereotyping. Belittling.

Her response to the incident was very rational and subdued. It might've felt easy to fall into the, "The Mormon faith is the bane of our existence! Get them out of California!" trap. But to truly resolve the problem we really have to address the nature of the problem. If Mormons believe that allowing gay people to marry will defile the "sanctity of marriage", then the gay people will have to really talk to the Mormons and ask them what they mean by the "sanctity of marriage" and why they see marriage between the same sex in a different light as between marriage between a man and a woman.

This is all just hypothetical speculation. Summary: Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone deserves to be loved. I am trying to do my best to contribute to this awesomeness, but I'm human.

Oh yeah, I also randomly came across a blog from a writer for the UCLA newspaper who learned she has terminal cancer two months ago. She'd always been planning on getting a tattoo, and had a couple of ideas for it, but this one particular idea is being put on hold, because well, after learning she has cancer it's kind of redundant:

Memento Mori.

Ooooo spooky. God is dropping puns on me now. Haha what up TK

Kevin killed the kitten at 1:17 AM

Waiting at the crosswalk a woman asked me if there was a sale at Urban. I really didn't understand why she was talking to me. True, I was holding an Urban bag with things that I had purchased not just ten minutes ago, but nonetheless, I was dumbfounded. As I am naturally inclined to do, and as the confusion of her inquiry swirled about my head, I asked the most logically defensive question of: "why?"

She looked at me in utter horror and disbelief, like I just straight up stabbed her baby in the face with a prison shiv (she didn't have a baby btw, she was in her late twenties. I add the late-twenties remark to give you a better sense of her description not as a reason why she couldn't have a baby). She looked at me and repeated, "Did Urban have a sale or something?"
Fuck woman what do you want from me?! Then it clicked.
"Uhh, well sort of....it was a small sale, they usually have those, you know, small sales."
"Uhh, yeah, I guess..."

That fucking albino lite-brite man better get his ass in that box ASAP or I will stab a baby.

We crossed the street in silence while I pretended to look at something on my phone.
Awkward.
So when I said it clicked, I guess it clicked in the way that resistance is initially reduced on a trigger when you're shooting a firearm so the actual firing of the gun isn't so sudden. The gun fired later and the matter of my brain splattered everywhere:

~Yeah, they did!
~A sale on leggings and jeans!
~I found this really cute pair of tights that normally go for like ninety bucks for like twenty!
~You should totally check it out! I love shiny leggings, like the ones they have at American Apparel except I hate how expensive they are at AA.

I <3 Girl Talk. When you think some words don't have meaning, and you feel like you're wasting your breath speaking, consider: it's not always about the words themselves ya know?

meow killed the kitten at 12:58 PM

Fuck bitches. I bought a complete today. A full deck; the works. I'm excited if it weren't for this fucking rain.

I don't know why I'm writing this. It seems pointless, but what writing isn't? Don't answer that.

I gave up on grammar and proper english a long time ago. I think if wasn't so tired all the goddamn time I would be one of this whorish grammar-nazis, going off on people for their stupidity and ignorance about their own native language. I'm glad I'm not. Unfortunately, I somehow managed to acquire the high-minded conception of my own intellectual prowess that goes with it without actually having the goods to back it up so, in a way, I'm one of those people. Dude, fuck those people, they're dumb. They're like me, that's what makes them dumb.

I don't want to talk about pride. To be honest, I'm too good for pride.

I'm surprised God hasn't smitten (I find this word too close to mitten, which is actually one of my favorites words in the English language, just a 1/25 notes for y'all) me yet. Like, I'm seriously waiting for it to happen, but as soon as it does I know I'll be pissed. "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!" I'll say. I might whisper it through sobs though, I think that would be more realistic.

Is anyone else tired of feelings? They're pretty fucking obnoxious, especially if you have things to do. I guess that makes me a pretty reactive person; situations kind of shape me, what can I say?

I forget a lot of important shit sometimes. For example, if someone was to be like, "well give me an example," I'll end up looking like an idiot because I'll go, "well, I kind of can't since that's the whole problem to begin with. The whole not remembering thing kind of prevents me from giving you the specifics about what I can't fucking recall now doesn't it!" Then they'd be like, "shit dude, you didn't have to be a dick about it, I was just asking to keep the conversation going which, by the way, is the only way we can ever have conversations--I'm the only one that ever asks any questions." but by then I would have probably stopped listening.

How did this manage to start sounding like a 25 notes thing? I better end it before it becomes anymore about ME. Nihilism. Lets Go!

Oh, and fyi, since you don't know already...
Les filles sont folles.

meow killed the kitten at 10:09 PM

The Daily Deuce #8

I hate college.

Well, no, not exactly, but when I first saw this video, I was ashamed to be a college student because it meant I was associated with this drivel. It bummed me out that this is how many people see college, that there are high schoolers watching this video getting sketchy ideas of what it means to be a college student.

But I watched it a couple more times and I thought about it and realized that I didn't want to acknowledge any truth to the song but does have some foundation, even though the content itself is highly exaggerated. What I initially thought was shallow and crass eventually hit home on a singular lyric: "And my good friends is all I need." Then I remembered the excitement I got from planning and enjoying everyone's birthdays and having any other excuse to get together with my chums and celebrate, arm in arm. The drinking and the smoking and the 'women' and the pursuit of them are the extraneous part. What matters is that we shared our vices together.

And if you told me that Dan and Jordan and Hilty and Brian and Marty and whoever the fuck else were going to come to LA and we were going to plan a barnburner then yeah, I'll have a drink (or five) to that. But in the meantime, I'm fine dwelling in the less celebrated aspects of the college experience.

Kevin killed the kitten at 3:13 AM

The Daily Deuce, but not really

So I just read that girl Hannah's (the one that is friends with Tinting and Nicole) "25 Random Things", check it:


1. My dad is my hero. He’s overflowing with the wisdom. He seems really quiet and broodingly sits around, but he’s really funny and enthusiastic about almost anything. His war stories are pretty hilarious. Damn those North Koreans! He also spends more time chatting online than I do.

14. My dad is most definitely my hero. He and I are different people but our conversations are always engaging. My parents and sister and I went out for pho over break and eventually we started talking about religion and my dad got so excited he started talking really loud and my mom had to calm him down and remind him that we're in public. They are a funny duo. His response was, "Sorry I just find this really interesting and I like learning new things." He seems kinda slow-witted sometimes but he's always passionate about everything and I admire that.

The thing that kept striking me wasn't just the similar topics but similar wording. Not that she's literally plagarizing a blog about herself, it's just the similarities are almost eerie. "enthusiastic about almost anything", "always passionate about everything"

2. I love meat. Tripe, rib eye, fish, chicken, animal fat… all yummy in my tummy. Actually, I love all foods; everything is my favorite.

19. All foods are my favorite foods. Except seafood, but I do like some sushi.

This one isn't that similar because I didn't mention meat.

3. My sister and I get along really well.

24. My sister and I get along really well.

Sisters rule. But I digress; it would be interesting if this was the only coincidental similarity, but there is way more.

6. I’m a trend whore. I have the large sunglasses, large belts, boots, oversized jewelry, thick-rimmed glasses, skinny jeans, tights, and I wear oversized t-shirts as dresses.

19. I like really big rings and really big sunglasses, though I’ve been wearing Ray-Ban wayfarers for a while because I’m a trend whore.
10. I love being short because I can wear shirts as dresses[...]

It's not surprising that Hannah and my sister have similar styles of dress because tons of girls dress like that. Again, it's the specific phrasing and wording that just trips me out.a

9. I’m really self-conscious about my artwork. I don’t think I’ve ever shown anyone a completed piece before. I don’t feel legitimate categorizing myself as an artist when I’ve met all these amazing artists [peers included].

12. Speaking of, I hate calling myself an artist. I get really self-conscious about my work. There are a lot of unbelievable artists out there, some of them famous and some of them my friends. It’s hard to swim in that pool.

Same reasons as before, the similarties are tripping me out.

10. I’m very shallow. The end. No excuses or explanations.

11. I can get really shallow. In my defense, as an artist, I put a lot of importance on aesthetics. What’s your excuse?

Haha, these should switch orders, so that it sounds like a question and answer, although it'd be more appropriate if it just said, "My excuse is that I'm an artist."

11. I’m always worrying about my future. That is probably due to the impending graduation within a year, and that being an art major doesn’t exactly promise a lucrative future.

4. I’m a student at Knox College. I know you’ve never heard of the fucking place. That doesn’t mean it’s a shit school, we probably work harder and play harder than your kids.

2. Since graduating, I freak out about my future periodically. The constant talk concerning the tanking economy doesn’t exactly help. My two pointless degrees also don’t help. Being a graduate of UCSB also doesn't really seem to help because people STILL respond to that with "oh, the party school?" SHUT THE FUCK UP. we partied harder than your kids ever did and yet still probably got better grades. they probably couldn't even get in.

I don't find this one that coincidental because there was a similar one on Lauren Christensen's twenty-five, so it doesn't sound particularly unique. The 'work hard / play hard' concept isn't original but I also haven't seen it been mentioned. Did I mention that I've probably read over forty of these notes and I've never seen anything close to a coincidence as this?

12. I have a new found interest in my religion. That might be another way of saying that I’m learning to be really appreciative.

9. Religion is my current favorite topic. There's something fascinating about the human experience that makes our lives so much more than eating/sleeping/procreating. Theologians have been thinking about these questions for thousands of years, and have come up with some sophisticated answers. I can't go into detail unless you want to go toe to toe for three hours.

People have religious experiences all the time, so this is plausible. I haven't read any other notes mentioning it, though, so it still seems trippy.

17. I have terrible work ethic, work flow, you name it. I especially tend to zone out or day dream when I have an epic list of work to accomplish.

15. I’ve realized I kind of have a bad work ethic. I’m very task-oriented; if I don’t have a list of specific things I need to do, I just end up zoning out.

We all do. Although Rochelle can work in tasks, Hannah zones out at the impending work list.

23. I spend more time on Facebook than I’d like to admit.

9. I lurk on facebook way, way more than I’d like to admit.

Word choice! I'm telling you, reading this made me trip balls, it's so similar to my and my sister's lists.

Yeah it's a meme, a trivial internet fad that blew up because it didn't limit the user to specific questions. Different analyses in internet and physical publications have noted that the facts aren't actually random; since we get to choose them then we can choose ones that make us look good or help us reinforce a certain persona we want of ourselves. Also it blew up because it tapped into everyone's favorite topic of conversation: ourselves. What up narcissism.

Anyhoo, I've read a ton of these things. I love reading them because everyone writes the whackiest stuff sometimes. But although I DID read a satire of the "twenty-five" that mocked things people commonly wrote about (something related to drug/alcohol use, something about close encounters with cops, stuff of that sort), I found that it wasn't a very good satire because most that I've read didn't fit any particular model.

Had Hannah merely just written about these specific topics, I probably would've been particularly smitten. But the phrasing is just so similar that it's simply trippy. I would still love to go toe to toe with her for three hours though.

Kevin killed the kitten at 1:53 PM

The Daily Deuce #6

Continuing on my all time favorite theme, Pride, the one that made Brad Pitt kill Kevin Spacey, I would always think to myself, "Well, okay Mr. Lewis, you may be right. But why is that true in the first place?" The angrier I get when I see OTHER people's pride is a barometer for my OWN pride. That seems paradoxical. I feel like theoretically I should be able to be angered by other people's pride without being proud myself. Check it:

1.) No person is exempt from pride. It's natural to think, "Well, shucks, I am pretty darn great," when people take notice of our wealth, or intellect, or sexual prowess, or fun life, or grand generosity.
2.) When I don't just acknowledge but actually become angry at someone acting proudly, the anger stems from ignorance, because I say to myself, "Why the fuck did she act that way, that's fucked up, I wouldn't do that."

Ah, but I would, I would merely refuse to acknowledge it. I was walking back from the show tonight with Hannah, and she said, "That Dana girl sucks. When I first met her I was walking and her and Kellie were walking towards me and I knew I'd recognized her before and she's always been eyeing me but too intimidated to introduce herself. But this time she was adamant about introducing herself and repeatedly showing off the fact that she was friends with Kellie. She felt sooo cool to be friends with Kellie."

My angered self wanted to counter, "Isn't that why you befriended Kellie in the first place? Becauuse when you saw her you thought she looked so cool and people took notice of her and you wanted to be associated with that?"

But my anger was simply my proud nature trying to ignore the fact that I am in no way exempt from this form of pride. I would sometimes think to myself how cool it would be to be dating that one hip girl because I would be really cool and people would think we were such a 'cute' couple. It feels pretty shameful to explicitly put those words down, to even acknowledge that those thoughts have crossed my mind, that I am no exception, no more righteous that anyone else.

Pride isn't just bad. It's the opposite of love, it wants things merely so other people can't have them, it is jealousy because people have things that it doesn't, it is impenetrably stubborn because it never thinks it's wrong, it is satisfied with its self-righteousness because it thinks it's better than those 'bad' people in the world. Pride is the deadliest sin because it truly is the root of all evil.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." - Matthew 7:3-5

Kevin killed the kitten at 12:40 AM

The Daily Deuce, ASH WEDNESDAY EDITION HOLLA

Lent is the forty days before Easter in which Christians and non-Christians alike practice self-restraint and give up something during the time period. I was never really sure why any of us did it, and I wanted to know more details, so naturally I looked up Lent on Wikipedia.

Many Christian denominations practice it to some extent, although it isn't explicitly stated to do so in the Bible, and I don't think they're too strict about it (a kind of opt-in practice, if you will).

Interestingly, the three relationships cropped up again, and it gives the idea of Lent more theological weight. Check it:

"The three traditional practices to be taken up with renewed vigour during Lent are prayer (justice towards God), fasting (justice towards self), and almsgiving (justice towards neighbour)."

So the common practice, fasting, is really just one of the three parts in the traditional practice. So Lent is the time to focus closely on the three relationships in preparation for the great celebration, Easter. If anything, I think Lent is good because it causes us to delve deeply into the three relationships, although you can't focus on one and forget the others, or rank them in order of importance. The relationships, like the human race in general, are permanently intertwined.

How can we be compassionate without being humble? Imagine a haughty friend trying to console her neighbor. Yeah, I can't imagine it either.

How can we be truly generous with our time and resources when we're too busy using it on our own indulgences?

How can we say we know God, then turn around and talk bad about people? "And then will I profess to them, I never knew you: depart from me."

Word. I should probably figure out how I'm going to go about these next forty days, but I haven't come to a conclusion yet. Anyways... here is a quotation to leave you with some food for thought:

"In fact, if you want to find out how proud you are the easiest way is to ask yourself, 'How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronise me, or show off?'" - C.S. Lewis

Kevin killed the kitten at 11:06 PM

The Daily Deuce #4

Hannah mentioned a craving for Diddy Reese tonight, and I gave her four legitimate reasons why it was not a good idea.

I feel she's been testing my patience lately by initiating plans and then backing out at the last second, well after I've agreed with the plan, with excuses that somehow weren't accounted for while she was designing said plans (i.e. too tired, spent too much money today, not enough time, etc.).

The problem with my side of the story is just that; it's just my side. It sounds like I am not at fault for this problem, when the reality is that it's never that cut and dry and there are things I can and should do to make it better for the both of us.

In any case, I failed that patience test tonight. We talked about her indecisiveness last night, so at least she is acknowledging that she is doing it.

What I need to do on my side is to exercise more patience (ideally unlimited patience; realistically as much patience as I can) while she attempts to get better at keeping plans she initiates.

Kevin killed the kitten at 2:13 AM

The Daily Deuce #3

Yesterday my peer counselor asked me how the power was organized within my family. Specifically, "Who wears the pants in your family?" I couldn't really think if it was my dad or my mom and wasn't swayed either way so I said I didn't know. I said that my dad PROBABLY has last word if it came down to that, but I couldn't come up with any specific incidences.

He then told me that, in traditional Filipino families, the mother was the absolute head of the household, the one who had the last word and laid out the laws. After the colonization of the Spanish and the move to Catholicism, Filipino families became more patriarchal.

I was surprised we talked about this because I was telling him that I was stressing out about school, and he basically said, "You know what you need to do," before moving to a different topic. If anything, just thinking about my family was enough to bring me peace.

As far as school goes, it's not about the actual grade but more about how I handled the class. If I did well in a class but I felt like I was going to die, then that's not going to translate well in the future, especially for interpersonal tasks.

So when the T-Bone's on the shelf (stakes is high), I have to be able to get it done without feeling like I'm going to melt.

Kevin killed the kitten at 7:06 PM

The Daily Deuce #2

Okay it's the same day but I have like a week's worth of deuces to drop so here's the last of it.

In my History of Religion class we spent about a week on Chinese religions, and many of them talk about the concept of "De". It has varying definitions depending on the source; one interpretation is "inherent character / inner power / integrity". Another way we defined it in class was "compassion, discipline, humility".

I found it interesting that these three character traits nicely coincided with what C.S. Lewis called the three essential relationships. You with everyone else, you with yourself, and you with God. We have to treat each other with compassion, no matter how easy it is to forget; we must be self-disciplined or else we lose control of our life; no matter how accomplished and self-righteous we might think we are, we truly are nothing compared to God.

Crazy. We start the Abrahamic religions this week, should be interesting.

Kevin killed the kitten at 11:02 PM

I need to start writing more, even if it's just to have portions of my life recorded so I can somehow recall them. I should write down something EVERY SINGLE DAY; I'll call it Dropping the Daily Deuce, har-har.

The Daily Deuce #1

So this actually happened last week. My roommate Greg told me and my other roommate Chris that a landlady was willing to show us an apartment on Thursday at 530pm and asked us if we could make it. I said I couldn't because I had a class from 4-6 that was mandatory. The next day, however, I told him I'd be able to make it because we had one free pass for that class and I was simply going to use it on this week.

I planned on leaving class early, but we were prepping for a presentation and I didn't want to leave my group before we finished the presentation, so I texted Greg and told him I'd be running late. When I told my TA about my early exit, he merely said to me, "Alright man, I mean you do have one tardy for your choice and life's all about choices so if you think you really need to go to this apartment's open house then you should go." He is normally the liveliest, craziest person but he was having a headache that day and was already a little quieter than normal. His tone at the time definitely indicated that he thought I was not taking the class seriously.

So I GTFO of that joint and and am already a couple minutes behind, but I randomly see a friend in a car on the street and he offers to give me a ride (without me even asking, crazy), so he was glad to know I had somewhere to be ASAP. When I made it to the meeting, they'd just finished the apartment tour and we had to go over it again. Greg greeted me with slight exasperation, which implied, "Man, this is the one time that we can get all of us together except you, the least you could do is leave one class early out of the entire week. Do your part."

So I had to make a compromise and only piss one person off, and in the process I managed to piss both off. There's speculation involved, but the moral is that the situation, like most of life in general, is lose-lose. It is what it is.

Kevin killed the kitten at 10:48 PM

"All writers know mortality is at the core of what it means to be human and that it's what we do with the time we have that makes humanity so glorious, so heroic, so inspiring."

I can't find the source of the quotation, but nonetheless it resonates, whether one is a writer or not.

Kevin killed the kitten at 6:51 PM

I'm going to use the pronoun She from now on because that's what philosophers use

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to do menial work. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary:

'If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.'

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Romans 12:9

I like this one. "Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody" kinda trips me out though. Shouldn't we be careful to do what is right, whether or not everybody's watching?

"Honor one another above yourselves." As my boy Jeffries says, "Worse comes to worst, my peoples come first."

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." A nice reminder. When I'm all fun and games and my homies are bummed and freaking out, it's easy to simply say, "Whats the big deal? I don't understand why you're upset. That's not a big deal. Get over it." But what I really should do is to empathize, try to understand how she feels. To mourn while she mourns is to respect her and her emotions. To tell her it's not a big deal is to imply that my emotions are more stable than hers, that I'd be able to handle her situation fine. That would be a blatant lie.

The section on God's Wrath is where it gets interesting. The secular interpretation/analogy to this is basically a guilt trip. Consider the situation where one of my enemies is bullying me. I could retaliate with vengeance, or I could act patiently and kindly. If I were to act kindly, my antagonizer would be confused. "Why isn't he angry that I'm doing this? If I were him I'd be pissed! Hmm... maybe I'm not justified in my enmity. I'll back off a little bit."

This is where motives play a huge part. I have two primary reasons to treat my antagonizer kindly: to guilt trip her into treating me kindly, or for the sake of the kindness itself. Not only is the best choice obvious, the poor choice has two potentially gnarly consequences. Say I acted nicely in order to put her on a guilt trip. If she didn't come around and still disrespected me, I would probably blow up in her face. "You fucking suck! I am being so fucking nice to you, you dense prick!" Also, if I used the kindness as a means to an end (guilt tripping her into being nice to me), my kindness would come off insincerely and my enemy would see through the facade. She then would be able to justify her hostility by thinking to herself, "Dude fuck him, he's just trying to put me through a guilt trip."

Obama, wow. It still hasn't sunk in for me.

Kevin killed the kitten at 4:57 PM

Pride Comes Before the Fall

Niners coach Mike Nolan was fired on Monday, and Defensive Coach Mike Singletary took over coaching responsibilities for the rest of the season. Apparently he is a devout Christian. Anyway, I was reading an article by a San Francisco beat writer about the influence of religion on sports. He mentioned a story about Bill Walsh's old Niners team. After they won the Super Bowl, one of the players, I believe his name was Bubba, told an interviewer that "God did this". The other players were angered because, after months of training and working and studying and blood and sweat and tears, Bubba basically discounted their hard work and said it was really in the hands of some mysterious creator.

Now, maybe he did mean this. Everyone has a different interpretation of spirituality. Here's my take:

Famous actors, actresses, etc. step up to the podium and after they win an award, many of them first "Thank God". But I see this phrase as, "I may have busted my fucking ass to be the best at this shit, but at the same time I didn't make it to the top alone. Mentors, motivators, teachers, trainers, even luck, all played crucial parts. My successes cannot be entirely attributed to myself."

It always comes back to two critical ideas:

1.) You can't make it alone
2.) There are people out there that need your help

It's this interconnectedness of all human beings with each other that makes Christianity and Buddhism inextricably linked. I can't vouch for other cultures that I know nothing about, but interconnectedness is essential to at least these two.

Sometimes I think I can make it alone in my studies when I think, "This stuff really isn't that hard. It ain't rocket science. I don't need help, I can just use the book for reference." And then the book will help to some extent, but to really understand it requires a TA or professor not necessarily to TELL me what everything means but to guide me down the right path so I can actually put 2 and 2 together.

I guess the second part means that there's always people counting on you and need you in some shape or form. Maybe your friend just needs you to listen to her ranting, and you're one of the few trusted people she knows that won't judge her for it.

Kevin killed the kitten at 10:10 AM

Babies everywhere
are
altruistically
configured as the
boys and girls
they become

If you were expecting coherence:
this is all there is.

meow killed the kitten at 6:40 PM

Weird Science

http://www.btinternet.com/~a.ghinn/greatsin.htm

1.) I can't stop thinking about how many of my actions are motivated by some form of conceited Pride. Most of them. Maybe even all of them. The paradox I cannot fight off is that it will always be there, but simultaneously I cannot accept that it's okay to act through Pride. It makes me fucking angry. It's the "deadliest sin" because it is the literal opposite of Love. And I'm seeing it everywhere, but mostly in myself. I really don't know what to do.

2.) I want to do everything to be the best friend I can to my closest friends, yet I'm truly scared of the "best friend" label because there are such high expectations placed on it. Even if I bust my ass to be as best as I can possibly be, it either won't be enough at times or I'll inadvertently let them down. Or in a fit of rage I'll purposefully let them down. No answer to this; I just have to deal with it. Again, I am no way excused from being as best a friend as I can possibly can.

Kevin killed the kitten at 11:55 PM

Nike's "Fate"

Nike advertising continues its dominance. This one was directed by David Fincher.

Kevin killed the kitten at 1:16 AM

This Is Not An Exit

Tonight will be the night that we begin to ease the plugs out of the dam.
And we will stand knee deep in the flow, the undertow will grab our heels and won't let go.
And while we hold, our legs quivering, the water rises now to our teeth when we just let go
and sail belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping our backs.
To breathe in the air will be the only thing that we have
and all the wasted nights and empty moments in our lives are flushed away as we sway with the rhythm of the waves bobbing us up.
Crests fall to troughs as we feel our gills open up
and sail belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping our backs.
To breathe in the air will be the only thing that we have.
And if the hook set in the bottom of our lungs, we'll rip it out and lick the blood off with our tongues.

Despair can ravage you if you turn your head around to look down the path that's lead you here, 'cause what can you change?
You're a vessel now floating down the waterways.
You can take your rudder and aim your ship, just don't bother with the things left in your wake.
Just sail belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping your back.
To breathe in the air will be the only thing that you have
and your love will be warm nights with pockets of moonlight
spotlighting you as you drift, the actor in this play.
You walk across the stage, take a bow, hear the applause,
and as the curtain falls, just know you did it all
the best that you knew how and you can hear them cheering now.
So let a smile out and show your teeth, 'cause you know you lived it well.

Kevin killed the kitten at 11:47 PM

A counter-example of the stuff that's been blowing my mind as of late:

http://www.thesmartset.com/article/article09240801.aspx

Summary: There's too many people writing books about their religious conversions. Protip -- about half of Americans experience some kind of religious conversion sometime in their life. Yours is not special.

It's a decent article, actually; even thought I'm totally stoked on my new revelations, I agree with him in that I'm not unique in any way. I'm amazed that I finally understand what all those others believe in, that it's not brainwash or mindless birthright acceptance or herd mentality or dogmatic belief.

I'm not even close to being ready, but there is an infinite time for preparation. You have to jump out of the airplane at some point, right?

Kevin killed the kitten at 7:02 PM

Honeymoon's Over, Pop Quiz!

In my long and interesting exploration of spirituality over the past several months, I've thought about the idea of God putting us to the test. The test where the shit hits the fan, where your loved ones blindside you or screw you over, when the hurricane hits without warning and destroys your house and belongings and every personal possession you've accumulated through your life. And throughout my conversations with people over the summer, I listened to people such as Kurt, Dooner, and my seemingly fearless sister be put to their ultimate, world-shattering tests.

As for me, I took an extended honeymoon where I simply understood Christianity and said to myself, "This is it. This is THE way to live. Not just the RIGHT way, even; This is LIFE." But I didn't really feel it. It was more like a small candle in my belly, where I got excited because Christianity wasn't completely ridiculous nonsense but cleverly logical and mind-boggling perfect.

So, I liked it and respected it. But that really isn't enough. At first I thought that I hadn't yet been put to the test (which would truly show myself where I stand), but later came to the conclusion that we're all put to the test every single day.

But man did it go down today. A couple of my closest friends used me, treated me as a lesser person. It wasn't even a culmination of questionable calls on their part, because our trust had been building gracefully for years. It was literally a one-day shotgun round to the soul. I'm thankfully lucky for this to never have happened before until today, but to have been seriously wronged by people you love is a shock, to say the least.

C'mon God, you're going to blindside me with a Pop Quiz? It isn't even Week 1 yet!

And yet, as I sat and I thought and I tried to analyze and rationalize myself out of my rare grief to no avail, I knew that I still HELLA love people, especially them. I love everyone even more. 'Ye once said, "That that won't kill me will only make me stronger," but he wasn't talking about anaerobic exercise or that a non-fatal bullet wound to the foot from your enemy deserves a couple slugs to their dome, but that the haters and the chaos can only make our spirit stronger. Because when I come out of all this with the biggest, most sincere grin of my life and think, "My faith could handle that?? Love really is bulletproof!!" My faith is pretty damn solid. Pop Quiz passed.

The story is long-winded and not particularly worth it, but the details aren't the point.

"What a conqueror!--a conqueror who controls humanity at will, and wins to himself not only one nation, but the whole human race. What a marvel! He attaches to himself the human soul with all its energies. And how? By a miracle which surpasses all others. He claims the love of men--that is to say, the most difficult thing in the world to obtain; that which the wisest of men cannot froce from his truest friend, that which no father can compel from his children, no wife from her husband, no brother from his brother--the heart. He claims it ; he requires it absolutely and undividedly, and he obtains it instantly.

Alexander, Caesar, Hannibal, Louis XIV strove in vain to secure this. They conquered the world, yet they had not a single friend, or at all events, they have none any more. Christ speaks, however, and from that moment all generations belong to him; and they are joined to him much more closely than by any ties of blood and by a much more intimate, sacred and powerful communion. He kindles the flame of love which causes one's self-love to die, and triumphs over every other love. Why should we not recognize in this miracle of love the eternal Word which created the world? The other founders of religions had not the least conception of this mystic love which forms the essence of Christianity." - Napoleon Bonaparte

Kevin killed the kitten at 4:44 AM

Whatever Happened to "Patience is a Virtue"?

Campus Crusade initially seemed cult-y or brainwash-y or just plain ridiculous. They opened with a number of songs in a row played by a live band.

But the nervousness and tiredness and timidness that sat in my stomach slowly but completely faded when I just sat and really just let myself into the moment.

I see Christianity in fucking everything these days, and looking back on everything that's happened to me (everything that I remember that's significant, at least), I know that it's always been there.

It's a perfect way of living in a completely imperfect world full of completely imperfect people, myself obviously included.

"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." - John Donne

Kevin killed the kitten at 11:19 PM

Misc.

I read a couple of chapters of Rick Warren's The Purpose-Driven Life; not really my cup of tea. However, each chapter ends with a question, and some of them are good.

"Question to Consider: I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?"

However, I am extremely skeptical of this book because the following sentence, which is even in bold in the text: "We bring God glory by loving other believers."

I'd like to say I'm open-minded, but that's just pure baloney. That is the exact opposite of "Everyone matters all the time".

It's even weirder because it's the topic sentence of a paragraph, and the following biblical passages are the support of it:
"Our love for each other proves that we have gone from death to life."
"Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you; then God will be glorified."
"As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

Not once in those passages do they mention "loving other believers" or any hint of that.

I read the chapter on Pride from C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity and it blew my mind. I need to pick that one up ASAP.

---

I watched an episode of Sex and the City with my family, and I was surprisingly engaged. Some people (usually conservative types) would watch this kind of show and say, "This is the kind of stuff that is poisoning our innocent daughter's minds." Blank Slate thinking for sure. Instead, I think of it the other way around. Many women probably deal with these types of dating issues all the time, and the viewers most likely watch the show because they see themselves in it (to a realistic extent). If the themes didn't resonate with the audience, the show would tank.

So, I think it's interesting from a male perspective as a sort of case study on the motivations of women.

Going back to LA Sunday morning and I'll be hitting the ground running. Not ready yet; never was.

"I came into Christianity kicking and screaming." - C.S. Lewis

Kevin killed the kitten at 2:20 AM

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